I Married a Sex God

I have written before about what a boob man my husband is.  I really love that he is a boob man.

Since I met him, my breasts have never gone a day without being fully appreciated.

I realize that not every woman wants a partner who is always obsessed with her breasts, some women would find that very distasteful or annoying...or just "meh".

But I love it, I love being noticed by my husband, I love his hands on me, I love how lusty he is for me, I love that when his blood gets pumping it makes mine pump, too.  My direct line to his blood pumping faster is through his love of my breasts.

When he sees me walk into a room the first thing he does is check out what my boobs are doing.  He does it discreetly, imperceptibly almost.  He can even be appearing to look me right in the eye but he's using his peripheral vision to be scanning my breasts.

Breasts can get up to a lot of antics, really.  I always knew this but it was just a personal knowledge about my body.  Something to deal with (similar to dealing with testicles?)  It is a part of your body which can shift around, cause discomfort and look silly, all at once with no warning.

So you learn how to deal with it discreetly.  You learn to check out your boobs in the mirror before leaving the house, because not checking can lead to some embarrassing moments...like when one boob is half popped out of your bra and this fiasco is visible through your shirt.

But since being with my husband, the antics my breasts get up to are his business too, not just mine.  He notices everything, EVERY THING about my breasts.

Of particular interest are antics like the one I mentioned above, the half boob pop out stunt.  Heaven help me if he notices this before I do.  If he does, he will launch into a short monologue about how I must have been fondling myself "again" or was otherwise up to something naughty because girl A or girl B is trying to fly the coop.  Then he will move in and offer to put her back into her hammock for me.

The most obvious antics are the inexplicable nipple erections.  The ones that "just happen" out of nowhere.  As a woman you understand that these really don't mean anything.  But to my husband?  Every  nipple erection means I am literally calling out to him on a primal level.  He comes rushing to my "aid", because he says he can see that my nipples need immediate attention by the way they are standing there.

I typically wear thick bras that hide erect nipples...but every once in awhile in the right shadow and shirt you can see a hint of a very hard nipple through the thick bra.  If he notices this he will suddenly comment that I must really be very horny, because my nipples are literally tearing a hole through my bra with their force.

Then there is the whole range of things my breasts can get up to if I am bra-less.  I don't go bra-less a lot, so when I do it is most certainly noticed by him I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y.

In fact, usually he simply can't hold the eye gaze facade and just stares right at my boobs and comes running toward me with his hands out in front of him if I enter the room bra-less.

He loves seeing how they look different in different bras, swim suits, shirts, and of course bare.  When breasts are bare, there is a wide range of things they can do based on how you are standing, bending, laying down...all the different shapes my breasts take in these different positions are fascinating to him and he discusses what he is seeing as if he is gazing at recently discovered treasure.

Sigh...swoon.  I love his constant harassment.  I get many comments from women readers saying "does he have a brother?" so I know many women reading this will get it.  It seems so dorky and insulting and middle school for him to be constantly scanning my breasts for any sign of change, just so he can sexually harass me about it.  But he does it so authentically, so lustfully, so joyously, and with so much fun sexy energy behind it, that I'm all on board with his juvenille game now, too.  I encourage it and get a lot of lusty fun out of it.

I'm not talking about the love and lust he has for my breasts during sex in this post.  The way he handles them during sex is fan-freaking-tabulous and a whole subject of its own!  But this post is just about the every day love, the daily gropings, and the discussions about what my breasts have been getting up to each day.  He is like their shepherd.  He says they might wander off if left unattended so he has to stay alert to their antics. That's my sex god.

I have used my Sexual Proclivity Scale in several of my posts because I wanted to begin a discussion about how sexual  different people are.  Some people are more and less sexual than others, and there's a very wide scale of sexuality.  This seems obvious to say, but it is something that isn't usually looked at on a scale like the one I created.

I went looking for research or images to use for the discussion of the difference between highly sexual people and not-as-sexual people and literally found nothing.  I just found information suggesting that people are either sexual or asexual.  So I made up my Sexual Proclivity Scale for my own use, because there is a lot more variety than just sexual or asexual!

My scale is not scientific in any way...however...I know it is relevant and very useful and I've found that most people who see my scale immediately understand it.  Usually they will also know immediately where they themselves are on this scale.  (I invite anyone to share with me any research or information that examines "how sexual" people are, by the way.  I'd love to make my scale as accurate as possible based on real research, if there is any.).

Why Does it Matter How Sexual You Are?

It matters because the more self-aware you are about your own sexuality, the better chance you have at using that awareness to pursue your optimal sex life.

Generally speaking, you will have the best chance at having a fulfilling partnered sex life by choosing a partner who is at approximately the same level on the Sexual Proclivity Scale as you are.

Also generally speaking, a big mismatch in how sexual two people are can cause huge relationship issues...and divorce.

How sexual you are is a part of you.  You can't escape who you really are.  There are some people who go through some kind of hormonal or life change and this causes a big change in how sexual they are.  A good example of this is that many parents do not feel very sexual when they have young children, and many people do not feel very sexual when they are depressed.  But usually, if the parent or depressed person was highly sexual before the children or the depression, most likely they will return to their natural sexual proclivity of being highly sexual again eventually.

Most people stay in their same place on the scale for most of their lives, however.  Again, how sexual you are is part of you.  (However, in cases of sexual repression or trauma, the natural proclivity level may be masked or difficult to determine without therapy first.  In severe cases, an individual may not be able to realize their natural proclivity at all which is one of the most detrimental effects of sexual trauma).

You owe it to yourself to do some self-study and really know how sexual you are.  Do you think about sex often?  Hourly?  Daily?  Monthly?  Never?  Each of these answers is normal for some people.  Any answer is correct, as long as it is authentic.

Do you make your sex life a high priority?  Is it a higher priority than your job?  Your hobbies?  Your children's hobbies and lessons?  Television?  Again, a yes or no to any of these questions is someone's authentic answer.  You should know your own answers.

There's no best or preferable place to be on the Sexual Proclivity Scale.  More sexual is not better or worse than less sexual.  Everyone's true place on this scale should be honored and accepted.  We shouldn't try to change other people to be more or less sexual than they really are.  It really doesn't work, and it shows a misunderstanding of the wide range of human sexual potentials.

Although I am highly sexual, I have had the blessing of knowing many less sexual, gray sexual and asexual people.  This allowed me to really understand that my sexuality isn't better or more fulfilling than theirs is.  People who are lower on the Sexual Proclivity Scale (including asexual people) can have amazing sex lives which they cherish.  I wrote more about this topic in this blog post.

The quality of intimacy or sexual pleasure a person is capable of has nothing to do with how sexual they are.  A highly sexual person may be anorgasmic and an asexual person may be hyper orgasmic, for example.  A gray sexual person may be extremely kinky and a hyper sexual person may have no kink to them whatsoever.  An extremely sexual person may have had only one sex partner in their lifetime (I know people who married their high school sweetheart, and are still having sex like teenagers decades later), and a moderately sexual person may have lots of sex partners.  How sexual you are doesn't determine that kind of thing.

Awareness and Acceptance are Key

Understanding these differences between us helps us have empathy and accept each other.  There is so much pressure on all of us to "be someone"...whoever society and family believe you should be.  If they believe you should be a highly sexual person but you are not, you will feel pressured by the world to act in ways that are not natural to you.

Men are always assumed to be highly sexual.  But studies show that they are not, except for a very small percentage.

I wrote a book review that discusses this issue in this blog post.

On the other hand, women are assumed to be less sexual than men.  Since I am a highly sexual woman and I've found that I am more sexual than just about any man I've ever met (besides my husband), I feel pressured to not act as I really authentically want to act.  I feel pressure to conform to something that looks like I am less sexual than I really am.  I wrote about this topic in this blog post.

The more we become aware that assumptions about how sexual other people are isn't good and causes societal pressure, the more sex positive we will be.  Instead, we should focus on understanding our own natural level of sexual proclivity and on accepting each other's.

Sexual Mismatches = Not So Good

Self-aware people in the asexual community typically understand that if they partner with a sexual person, it is highly likely that both people will be unhappy eventually.  They may be able to work around the situation by making a conscious effort to meet each other's needs, but it will be very difficult.

Here's an AVEN Relationship FAQ article which discusses romantic relationships between sexual and asexual people and the difficulties that can arise.

Most people are not totally asexual, but many people are gray sexual, or just not very sexual.  People who aren't very sexual can go weeks, months or years without sex sometimes, and this is normal for them.  If you get into a relationship with someone who is at a lower level of sexual proclivity than you are, it is very likely you will not be very happy with your sex life.  Love doesn't tend to fix this type of thing.  It is unsolvable for many couples and causes a lot of divorce.

But two people who aren't that sexual can be very happy together and have a very fulfilling, vibrant, sex life.  So can two averagely sexual people, two highly sexual people, or two moderately sexual people.

I wish this was more understood.  I wish people who enter relationships could realize how difficult a sexual mismatch will be and that they should intentionally try to find good sexual matches for themselves, especially for long term relationships and marriage.  For casual sex and short term relationships, a sexual mismatch may not matter at all.  But when it does matter, it matters a lot.

Some couples can navigate a large sexual mismatch and still have a good sex life and still be happy.  And I'd like to give those couples a lot of kudos!  But I also want to caution that this is very rare.

So enjoy your natural level of sexual proclivity with a lover who is at approximately the same level as you are!  This is one of the biggest pieces to the success of my excellent married sex life and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We don't have to be perfectly in synch, and we definitely are not exactly the same as each other sexually.  Yet we are a match, not a mismatch.  That's the key.

Soon I will be creating a blog post that discusses more about the criteria I considered when creating the Sexual Proclivity Scale, and also a self-test for people, even though as I said most people know where they are on the scale just by looking at it.  But people love self-tests, so I just have to do one, because it's fun.  I will link it on this post when it is finished.

Thanks for reading!  Please share this post and help spread awareness and good sex lives.

Marriage is on its way out.

Unless you are gay, and then marriage is on its way in, FINALLY.

I am married and I love being married.  I'm also strictly monogamous and I love that, too.  But I honestly don't think everyone should get married or want to be married, and not everyone should be monogamous.

I wanted to share my thoughts on marriage and monogamy in this dedicated post because from some angles, it would look like I'm ONLY pro-marriage and monogamy.  So I need to clear that up a bit because it is important to me that all sexual and romantic lifestyles are honored.

My own marriage is very troubled sometimes.  I don't have a perfect marriage (whatever that would look like).  No, I have a real marriage that is just as fragile as anyone else's.  Half of everyone married will be divorced, and my husband and I both have been previously married and divorced.  And hey guess what?  That means our chances of divorce are higher than first time married people's, our is something like a 67% divorce rate!

So the odds are against me and our marriage is very troubled sometimes and yet I'm not really afraid of divorce.  I feel I have the tools necessary to stay in love and stay married as long as we both choose it.  That's really the point.  We know we have a choice.

Even though our marriage is troubled sometimes, other times it is the type of marriage that my inner Princess child always dreamed of.

The sex, the romance, the love and commitment, the growth, the incredible intimacy we can achieve...in our best moments, my marriage is the SHIZZLE.

It is exactly all I always wanted and more than I ever thought was possible.

So that's us, as we are at this time.  Madly happy in a sometimes troubled marriage.  But I can see many other parallel lives for us that could be a lot different and still be just as wonderful and committed and intimate.  We could have chosen to be married but to live apart and still be monogamous and committed to each other, and that still sounds like a wonderful option sometimes.  We could have chosen to never be married, live apart, and just have a lovely companionship, dating and sexual relationship.

Before we met, my husband and I both had non-monogamous relationships.  We were both exposed to and participated in several different types of relationships that don't follow strict boy-girl marriage code.  I am glad that I have known many open minded and loving people that created their own rules for partnering with others.  I learned acceptance and understanding by knowing others and by my own relationship choices.

Marriage and monogamy are not the one and only way to achieve love, commitment and family.  At some points in our lives, we don't want love, commitment or family at all, we just want sex or just companionship or just friends.  All of these are variations of the ways we love and have sex with each other, and all are valid and healthy choices for us complex humans.

Of course, it has been an important cause for a long time that same sex marriage become legal.

In the US, as of right now it looks like all the states are falling over like dominoes and legalizing it one after the other.  For me this is a wonderful and welcomed time in history and it makes my heart so happy.  Any positive movement for any human rights is always good in my book.  Thank you world for coming along on this one.

There is a similar movement now for acceptance of all types of relationships and for acceptance of people who don't want marriage at all.  People feel pressure to be married and that isn't fair to them.  Here's a good recent article about this subject from Psychology Today:

The End of Marriage

I agree that we should stop asking single people when they are getting married, and we should stop assuming that all couples are monogamous, and we should stop putting any societal expectation upon each other.  Just accept each other's choices and accept your own ability to choose.

One thing I would like to ask the sex positive community to do is to honor monogamy as a healthy choice, too.  I sometimes come upon people who assume that if you are married and monogamous, you are not enlightened about the other choices you could be making.

Or like the one time I got twitter blasted by someone who was telling me that because I am for monogamy, I must also be Christian and that therefore I was the cause of many deaths in the name of my precious monogamy.  That really sucked.  Ok yes it was just a kooky twitter blaster...but it was also a person who feels they are sex positive and who is poly.

The tendency to group married monogamous people with conservative Christians isn't really fair.  Some of us married monogamous folks are old school poly freaks, just making different choices at different times in our lives!

Please never assume that a married or monogamous person is against non-monogamy.  If you want to know someone's position, make no assumptions first and simply ask their position.

I love having choices.  It makes us free to pursue our real desires, dreams and dramas.  I love that our future generations will not be forced into tiny boxes anymore because society is proving it can handle much more diversity than it did in the past.  And I love choosing the type of lifestyle that is best for my own fulfillment, and I love that you have that choice, too.

Body Awareness is important for a good sex life.  In this post I will be talking about body awareness mostly as it relates to sexuality, but will mention how it affects other areas of our lives, too.

Sexually speaking, Body Awareness includes:

+Your body image, or how you see yourself.

+Knowing your body's capabilities and being able to use them to their fullest.

+Knowing your body's limits and being able to challenge them.

+Your mind-body connection.


Let's examine each of these!

Body Image

Body image is important in the physical and mental health communities because having a skewed or poor body image can lead to several health problems.  Here's a quote from a health center about why body image is an important health topic:

Why is body image relevant to our work on health? There are significant health impacts as a result of our thoughts, feelings and beliefs about our bodies. Body awareness includes the thoughts, perceptions, and feelings that we have about our bodies. We make meaning about the value of our bodies through our interactions with family, friends, and peers and our culture as well as through food and fashion industries and media. In these interactions, we receive both corrosive and resiliency promoting messages that influence our health.