Saturday, June 29, 2013

Rules of Conduct

On my previous post Hardcore Monogamy, I mentioned some of the rules of conduct that my 
husband and I follow in our relationship.  They were:

No flirting with others.  This includes but is not limited to – showing too much skin, paying too much attention, touching your own face or hair while talking to someone, touching others at all, sitting up straighter, or doing any behavior that shows sexual interest in another person.

No Facebook.

No close friends of the opposite sex (except a very low number of long term, partner approved friends).

No lunches with opposite sex co-workers or others (except when appropriate).

Always be on alert for Sexual Wolves of either sex or any sexual orientation.

No secrets…no secret friends, secret texting, secret emails, secret life.

No masturbation without permission.

No porn without each other.

The last two rules above are discussed more on this post: Healthy, Happy Porn and Masturbation

We have set these rules up after quite a lot of trial and error.  We did not go into this relationship expecting to follow any such rules.  Neither of us were bound by these types of rules in prior relationships, nor would either of us agreed to follow these rules before. 

But for us in this relationship, we both wanted these types of rules put into place.  We wanted an accountability system to follow and we wanted to know our partner was following it, too.
In discussing our rules, I am not advocating that others adopt them.  I am simply offering a glimpse into our rule system as a point of discussion.  It is relevant to my blog since our sex life is better because of our rules.  Part of how we earned our titles as Sex God and Dream Girl is the fact that we are each willing to follow these rules in our earnest efforts to be faithful and protect our marriage with boundaries.

The point of having these rules is that we want to possess each other and jealously guard our sexual union from the influences of others.  We both know and acknowledge that we will always be attracted by and attractive to other people.  So we worked with those truths and constructed our boundaries, slowly over time as we reached new levels of commitment.

And then we found that applying our boundary rules to the situation had the following unexpected beautiful effects:

*We were able to create a sex game out of the desire to possess each other.  We take joy in our possessiveness and we can transfer the joy to bedroom.

*Following our rules has made us both cherish and love each other more.  Knowing that our spouse would go out of their way to protect the boundaries around our marriage made us each feel very sacred and bonded.

*We learned Self Discipline, which was something we both needed to learn.  As I said, neither of us has followed rules like these in prior relationships so even learning to be sexually open and honest did not come easily at first.

*We learned to consider our partner first, before acting on anything.  This one was not that easy either.  As I said above, it required learning Self Discipline first.   But it is now a solid skill in our Martial Toolbox.

*All this mate-guarding and Self Discpline keeps the edge on our sexual chemistry.  Keeping ourselves locked down when out in the Sexual Jungle requires the use of sexual energy.  By constantly using our sexual energy and intentions to guard our union, we are also constantly acknowledging the sexual attractiveness of each other. 

You said "jump!" and I said "how high?"
*We both love to be challenged and we love to meet higher and higher standards, in many areas of our lives.  Following these rules is not easy, so when we are successful at it, we feel good about ourselves and our union.  The more we follow our rules, the more dedicated we feel to our marriage.


I’m sure to some, the rules of conduct I’m describing here would sound freakishly jealous and like we don’t feel we can trust each other.  I’m aware that is how it sounds.

That's not really how it plays out, though.

It isn’t that we cannot trust each other.  Instead, it is simply that we cannot ignore the Vast Sexual World.  It exists for both of us, at all times.  It wants us to play in it.  There is nothing special about us, we are simply more aware than some people (because we're both kinda, well, sluts), so the Vastness calls to us at all times.  We can’t ignore it because we are too deep into it and have experienced too much of it to shut it out anymore.  So we stay aware, always, that the Vastness wants us back in the Sexual Jungle.  We trust each other, but we aren’t going to let our mate-guarding down.  We both need and want the protection of having each other's backs.
I don’t feel constricted by my husband’s guarding of me.  I feel cherished.  I feel paid attention to.  I feel he is acknowledging that I am a Sexy Beast, and that other Beasts are hot on my trail, and he has promised to protect me from them at all times.  I feel he knows I am sought after.  And that makes me feel very sexual, to be seen in that way by my lover.

I see him that way, too.  I know he's a Sexy Beast the other Beasts want their claws in him, too.  I acknowledge his high value on the open market in the Sexual Jungle (and in the mainstream dating world).  I possessively mate-guard him and keep my eyes on the perimeters of our boundary all the time, like he does for me.

The more we possess each other, the more I can trust him with my deepest sexual thoughts and feelings.  He is a Sex God because he does everything in his power to protect my body and my heart, and part of that is keeping me all to himself and keeping himself all for me.

By following our rules, I keep my eyes on the prize...which is our Fantasy Sex Life and our deeply fulfilling Romantic Love.  Keeping that prize in the forefront of my mind means I am feeling love and sexual desire for my husband all the time.  Damn, it gets hot in here.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Kinky Cocktail Glasses

We bought these really cool 50’s cocktail glasses at an antique shop.  I had to own them the instant I looked at the pictures on them.

They have this crazy, sexual jungle tribe scene where the men and women club each other over the head and drag each other off by the hair, apparently to rape each other!

These glasses have fascinated me since the day I got them and I often take them down from the bar shelf to look at them and contemplate the scenes on them.  It seems no matter how many times I do this, I can’t quite comprehend how the people who made these glasses could be sooo freaky!

scene number one
Let me describe the scenes for you:

There are 6 total glasses, showing four different scenes (two of the scenes have two glasses each).  Together the four scenes tell a story.  The overall scene appears to be a jungle tribe of people who are just living and working like any tribe.

Scene number one shows a tribe after a feast or festival.

A woman carries water on her head in the background.

A man is lazing around, leaned up against a tree, kicking the sand.

A woman is making a fire.

Kids are playing in the background and (adorable!) sliding down the neck of a giraffe which becomes a diving board into a lake.  No one seems hurried, they seem to be in a deep relaxed atmosphere.
scene number one
scene number one


So cute!  But then when we add in the other three scenes and relate them to this relaxed scene, you see why they are relaxed and what they spent their energy on.

All three of the other three scenes appear to depict rape, and not only that, they seem to almost try to “cutesy up” the rape.  (gasp)  How dare they, right?  Here’s where it gets even better.

The three other scenes show two different rape rituals.  One where the woman gets clubbed and dragged off by her hair.  The other where the man gets clubbed and dragged off by his leg.

It is clear in each of these two types of rape ritual scenes that there is a “time” when the men rape the women and then a “time” when the women rape the men.  It is not quite as clear if this is all happening in the same weekend, or at a different time of year, or what.  It could be three whole different seasons, we just don’t know.  We also don't know if there are two he-rapes-her "times" or not, because there are two separate he-rapes-her scenes but only one she-rapes-him scene. (hmmmm)


scene number two
Here is scene number two, he-rapes-her part one.

Notice the following:

*He has a huge chunk of her hair pulled straight up from her head.

*Their faces both appear to be cautiously inquisitive, not fearful.

*He has a club at her right side, as if it is just there to swing if she resists, but he doesn’t appear to be swinging it now.

*The moon is IN ON THIS, fer crissakes!  It is animated and is watching as a total voyeur and is clearly into this.  He seems to be saying “aw how cute, a rape”.  Look at that pervy/cutesy smile!

There are also some fish and an owl watching this tribal rape occur, and the owl is saying “WHOO WHOO” and winking at you!  The fish are smiling!  This is sooo sick and wrong!

I laugh everytime I contemplate this scene.  I mean, who is the demented artist behind these glasses and can I buy him or her a drink?


scene number three
Now consider scene number three, he-rapes-her part two.

In particular please notice:

*A man is literally dragging a woman by the hair.

*In the background a man chases after a woman with his club drawn up in the air and the club appears to have a spike through it!

*The woman is clutching at a tree as she is dragged past it.


scene number four
Now we have the most violent depiction of them all...
scene number four.

Please note in particular:

*She is clubbing him in the FACE right before our eyes, with him seeing stars!
*His face looks like he is almost knocked out, and her face looks determined like a warrior.

*There are no cutesy animals or heavenly bodies around to lighten up this scene.

*There is a woman chasing a man at full speed with her club out in the background, the man clearly running for his life!


Obviously the relaxed celebration in scene one happens after the two rape festivals, or in between the festivals or something.  No one is chasing anyone and no rape is occurring in scene number one.  They must get tired of all that clubbing and chasing, and damn it would be hard to drag a man by his leg, but that chick on the glass looks pretty buff.

I love their little animal print Tarzan clothes and yellow or green hair.  They are brown people (literal color of their skin on the glasses is brown) but they have white features.  I wonder what the artist had in mind here, was he or she supposed to try to invoke some jungle fever but had to put the white features on the characters because “the times were what they were”?  I’d be so fascinated to talk to this artist and dig their mind on this.  What kind of censorship, if any, would apply to a product like this?  I mean, c’mon this is depicting blatant rape...not the rape itself but they clearly show physical aggression and violence with the intent to rape.  You know what happens next.

How does that implied rape scene make people feel when they look at it?  Does it make people in this century feel different than people did when the glasses were first created?  Do they feel more sympathetic to either gender in these scenes?  We seem to be ok with a woman getting dragged by her hair, but would we be ok with a woman getting smashed in the face like the man gets in scene number four?
See, these are the paths my mind travels down when I contemplate the scenes on these glasses.  I ask myself more and more questions about them every time I look at them.  I never get any answers, have no clue who made them, and most likely I never will.

They are just so sick and twisted.  I absolutely love them.  My husband and I have discussed and contemplated together all of the ponderings I mentioned above.  We have also ended up making out after these discussions many times.  I encourage you to keep sexually charged items of interest like these (but in whatever your flavor is) around your house to inspire kinky conversation and possible make out sessions!  Even better if you have your own swanky sex bar to have kinky drinks in.  Cheers!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Submission…or Throwdown?

Female submission and pain play is totally the flavor of the year.  Apparently, chicks love getting tied up and slapped around, right?  Or at least they love it in their fantasies.

But when I have talked to female friends about the desire to be physically or emotionally hurt during actual sex or foreplay, usually they can’t imagine wanting to be with a man who gets off on hurting them.

There is kind of a catch-22 involved here.  In order to receive a good spanking, it has to be delivered by a man who really wants to spank you and who will enjoy the experience.  But then you ask yourself, what is wrong with a man who wants to hurt you?  This is a mental hurdle for some women.  If you can’t leap this hurdle, spankings might not be fun.

I have also heard stories from many men who don’t want to hurt women and just can’t get off on spanking her or hurting her in any way.  It shouldn’t be assumed that all men would be into this.  Some just aren’t.

Submission during sex can offer up some really UNsexy moments if you aren’t both really into it and good at it.  If you want to play a game where he is domme and she is sub and then pretend he is going to order her around and tell her to do sexual things…well, this can go incredibly flat sometimes.  It can end up being very bossy and ridiculous.  Or even not bossy enough.  When you try this at home, it can be difficult to find the right groove for it.  It doesn’t come naturally for many people to give or take sexual instruction or play a particular role, and overcoming this can be a challenge.

Submission games and rough sex sound like fun to many women…but I wonder if it isn’t just the spankings and lightly rough games, not the submission, that sound fun?  Do women really want to get bossed around by a man, even just for fun?  I had to work this one out for myself, and this is what it came down to...

I am into a little pain and LOT of rough housing.  I have a high tolerance for pain, I am very fit and energetic, and I like to play-wrestle.  I am flexible and bendy and I want my body to be picked up, thrown around, dipped, swirled, twirled, forcibly held down, spanked and folded in half like a taco.  This type of extremely physical and rough play is my most desired type.  I constantly crave a proper sexual Throwdown.

note: cute couple, but not us
A Throwdown is when you and your partner are throwing, pushing, pulling, or shoving each other around, and then ultimately throwing them down on the bed, which then sometimes leads to sex.  Like a movie scene where a woman comes home from work and runs into her man’s arms as he falls backward on the bed using the momentum of her weight to push him down.  Or he grabs her by the shoulders while kissing her deeply, smashes her up against a wall, and then throws her down on the bed.

These are shows of lust and passion.  There is no submission involved in these scenes, except submission to the pleasure and experience of it.  A Throwdown in theory would always be consensual, but you can play-pretend that you didn’t give your consent, and then it would look and feel like one of you was being thrown down on the bed against your will, or pretend submission.  That can be great fun, too!

For my husband and I it is all fun and games.  We can use words that would seem to indicate that we are not giving our consent (“oh help, he’s throwing me down on the bed again!”), but at all times we are smiling and laughing and having fun with the physical experience of it.  Jostling our bodies around like this tends to make them get sexually aroused.  We actually do mini-Throwdowns several times a day.

Being the top in sexual encounters requires more energy than being the bottom.  My husband and I are both able to switch.  Top or bottom, we are always having fun and expressing our passion for each other.
It is quite convenient to be able to switch things up, because although my husband can play an excellent domme, he doesn’t want to be the one putting forth 90% of the sexual energy all of the time.  He wants a woman who can bring that much energy to the show half of the time herself.  That woman would be me.

It wouldn’t be fair for him to have to do all of the hard work by being on top all the time.  Besides, I like topping, too.  When you both are switchy, there’s no confusion on what submission or dominance mean.

SEX GOD TIP!  Try this switchy trick:  You can still be domme, but be the bottom.  And for you sub, still be sub but be the top.  See what happens to your mind as you try to make this change up.  Switchy switchy, fun fun!

We don’t play very  hard at specific submission or dominance games, but we have all the props and gear.  We mostly play with Self Discipline and Body Worship and Private Exhibitionism.  We sometimes bring out tie down gear or cuffs or other things that are symbolic of our desire to possess each other.  But it isn’t usually a “whole thing” for us, just a little side smattering of fun with props.  The rough play though…THAT is a whole big thing for us.  It starts with a Throwdown, but more comes along, too.  I will have to follow up on the “more” in future posts.

I think many women would enjoy a good spanking, but can’t get their heads around the mental aspects of it.  Like they may wonder, are you supposed to have to come up with some “story” and a “reason” that you need a spanking or what?  Where do you start?  Why are you getting a spanking and why does he want to give you one?  Or what if he doesn’t want to give you one, then what?  Where am I supposed to be at mentally when it is happening?  Is it supposed to evoke childhood feelings or not?  Why does it hurt worse sometimes than others?  Spankings are complicated!  Logic gets real fuzzy when you are trying to come up with a motivation for getting or giving spankings.

So here’s what my husband and I have worked out for spankings: Basically, he says I always need one.  I need one because I’m hot and it makes him want to be on me.  Therefore, my naughty and very powerfully sexy body needs to be put in its place.  This is an adult infraction, not a childhood one.  Spankings in adulthood have to do with your sexy-ness being so out of control that it needs to be slapped around and corrected.  I need one because he has seen me at my naughtiest moments and I deserve hundreds of spankings by now from those moments.  And I need one because being roughed up like that tends to prime my body for sex.

So now, we never need a scenario to build on in order for me to deserve a spanking, I just always need one.  It is a given.

Getting a good spanking feels incredible.  Of course there are so many other directions you can go with a little bit of pain like that.  I will have more pain talk in the future.

Some men might like a little pain too, and a little bossing around, or even a spanking.  You can pretend to be She-Ra bending He-Man over the bed and let him have it!  Mwah ha ha!  

But anytime I try to bend my husband over, I end up laughing by that point because he is so much larger than me and then he just gets up and throws me down for real…because it seems that when he submits to me like that even for a few moments, he always has to come show me how strong he really is right afterwards.

In BDSM terms, this is a power correction.  In our own terms, he just loves being strong enough to throw me around (and I love that he is that strong, too).  It feels good to us both to exert our strength, and he has more than I do so when he really exerts it, I can only be in awe.

I’m all for rougher sex being so popular lately.  But I get tired of it only being served up on one plate.  The platform of submission and dominance is actually unnecessary for a proper sexual Throwdown.  I highly suggest everyone who is expanding their sexual abilities consider trying some Throwdown techniques without domme or sub themes, such as:

 *Just getting rougher in general.  Grab each other by the shoulders and shake each other gently, and then shake harder as you get used to the feeling.  Take turns at being the shakee and the shaker.

*One of you grab the other by the wrist, and just squeeze it slowly until it hurts, then lessen it and slowly squeeze it over and over right at the point of pain.  See what emotions this makes you both have, if any.  Practice making your partner "follow" your lead as you pull them by the wrist to the bedroom.  Also, check out this post for more on that idea:
26. Lead and Follow in Dancing (and Sex)

*For spankings, don’t just come right out with a thick paddle.  Start with little taps with your open hand and work up to more.  You can find more technical suggestions on this if you search for erotic spanking tips.

*Pretend to throw each other down on the bed.  Find out the best way for you by trial and error.

*Wrestle in bed or on the floor…try lifting each other up in different ways.  This is not to compete for strength but to just express your strength.  Use your strength together for mutual fun.  Bonus points if you can do this:

*Pin your partner up against a wall and kiss them deeply, then switch!

*Chase each other around the house at random moments.  The one who gets caught first has to go to the bedroom and receive a spanking.  Add flavor to taste.

*Play a racket sport together, as foreplay.  Then do a Throwdown while you are still all sweaty and aggressive from it.

Those are just some starter exercises, but what you really need for a proper Throwdown is the right energy.  Playful, happy, equal, athletic, feisty and randy is the best way to describe the mix of energy my Sex God husband and I bring to a Throwdown.

NOTE: Not all Throwdowns have to lead to sex.  Most of them don’t in our house.  It can be a quickie Throwdown or a 3 hour sex marathon one.  Both can be great!

You may still love your sub and domme themed sex, but why not try a little BDSM-neutral Throwdown from time to time, too?  Have fun with it!  But be reasonable about the rough throwing each other around stuff.  You don't want to have to call in to work and tell them you were injured in a sex accident.  How embarrassing! 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Would You Do You?

So let’s say you are not you.  Instead let's pretend you are someone else.  So now let's say that pretend you sees the real you standing in a coffee shop.

How do you think the real you would measure up to pretend you...if you were out there in the Sexual Jungle?

Would You Do You? 

Something common to most ESP’s (extremely sexual people) is that they could easily say “yeah, I’d do me”.

In fact, most ESP’s take great pleasure in literally doing themselves.  They tend to love their own bodies.  They also like to look at their bodies, even masturbating while looking into a mirror at times.  They turn themselves on.

For this Would You Do You? exercise, begin with considering how you would look in a coffee shop like I said above (the 5 second test).  But then expand your consideration to other things you know about your sexual self (the full evaluation).

I know my husband and I both would easily say “yes” to this question.  Here are some of the reasons why I would do me (and his answers would probably be similar):

*I feel attractive and I have a healthy body.

*I always smell good and have good hygiene.

*I am a good lover, capable of deep intimacy as well as raw sexuality.

*I have an overall nice appearance and style.

*I have a very sexual (read: dirty, sick and wrong) mind.

*I know how to relax into the pleasure of sex and really enjoy it.

*And lastly…I gots skillz.

So…how about you?

If you can’t say “yeah, I’d do me,” then why would you expect a partner to want to do you?  What are you bringing to the table exactly, if you wouldn’t eat it yourself?

Some people might do this exercise and suddenly feel conceited if they actually said “yes” to the question, and that might mess their heads up and make them want to say “no”, like modesty would be preferable to arrogance or something.

So if you tried to answer yes, then changed your mind so you wouldn’t feel like an arrogant jack ass, then do the exercise again and forget the arrogance part completely.  There is no such thing as arrogance in this exercise, ok?  This is about something way beyond arrogance.  We’re at narcissistic levels right now.  Just let it go, no one is watching your mind right now.  It’s just you and you.  You can do it, look at yourself for real…aren’t you beautiful!?!

Answer again this time, Would You Do You?

If you said, “hell yeah”, then congratulations!  You have Sex God potential.

If you do the exercise and your honest answer would be “yes” but you have massive insecurities which prevent you from evaluating yourself honestly, so you see yourself as “gross” and “don’t want none o’ dat”….well…that is a whole other issue.  One that you probably should work on if you want to have great sex.
How is your partner supposed to enjoy making love to you if you are so insecure that you hold up a false image of yourself at every moment?  It takes so much effort to hide behind insecurities.  Much easier to let all that go and give yourself freely to your partner AND to yourself.
And then there is the false yes.  Consider Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.  “I’m sexy as hell”.  (shudder)  If this is you and you honestly can’t see yourself as you really are, then that’s cool that you can still be so sexually secure (more like, hyper-secure)…but even if YOU would do you, there’s no guarantee your lover would.

Check out this funny picture of a man and a woman and how they see themselves.

Both of these people are messing up their sexual honesty by not seeing themselves accurately.  This cartoon depicts body image issues clearly, but it also showcases the two points I made above about insecurity, and hyper-security.  These two people do not see the truth in the mirror, by their own effort of self-deception.  The problem with this is that if you cannot be sexually honest with yourself, you will not be sexually honest with a partner.

Both the man and the woman above are expending a lot of energy to view themselves differently than they really are.  They must create a mental structure, that’s the false image in the mirror.  This structure requires constant effort to maintain.  If you are like the man or woman above, you may not be aware of how hard you have to work to maintain that mental structure, because it is a pretty solid habit by now.  Yet making a false self requires your constant energy.  You’re just used to expending that energy, so you don’t notice it.

What if instead you focused your energy toward seeing yourself as you really are?  It takes so much less energy AND it is sexually honest.

This is where ESP's have an advantage.  Many ESP’s tend to see themselves sexually as they really are, or rather, as a lover who is in love with them would see them.   They can freely appreciate themselves and their bodies and see themselves through the eyes of love.

ESP’s and other highly sexual people are not perfect and can have insecurities and other issues like everyone else.  They also have imperfect bodies like everyone else.  But in the specific realm of sexual self-attraction and Self Love, ESP’s really dig themselves and make no apologies for it.
They wanna do themselves.

(Note: the Self-Love an ESP has is different than being Self-Gay.  Self-Gay is when you only get hot for yourself.  You are the only thing that turns you on.   If you end up being the lover of someone who is Self-Gay, you might be in for a confusing ride.)
"Oh good lord....really?"                             "DAY-UM...who's the hunk?"

An ESP’s sexual self-attraction is honest.  It is typically based on good sexual experiences and loving partners and positive feedback.  It is also based on being Sexually Self-aware

If your answer to the question Would You Do You? is an honest “no”, “are you kidding me?”, or “not sure”, then you should probably get to work on this issue.

If you wouldn’t do you (and if you are being sexually honest with yourself), then probably one or all of the following issues exists:

*You know you lack skillz, you are not confident, you are insecure, or all three of these.

*You are not attracted to yourself (ie: you don't like what you see in the mirror).

*You Are Just Not That Into You.  (Sometimes we wouldn't even date ourselves).

If any of the above are true, then it is difficult to be a great lover to your partner. That is the reason for the Would You Do You? test.  Because if you wouldn't want to do you, why should they want to?

Oh yeah...I'd do me.
My husband and I try to be good lovers and partners to each other...and included in this is taking care of our appearance and our bodies and our health and even our attitudes.  We try to stay positive and sexually charged, fun and playful, sexy and seductive.  We want to be our best, sexiest selves...so we can soak up all the sexy good fun together. Joy!

Sooo....If you wouldn’t do you, why not? 

If it is because you don't like what you see in the mirror, that’s ok because you can change what you see in the majority of cases.  Work it over, work out, get a new wardrobe...these things are fun fixes, if you want to make them.

If it is because you lack skills or have insecurities, you will likely have to put more effort into fixing those things.  Get some counseling, get educated, or get what you need to move past this.  Great sex awaits you!  

If it is because You Are Just Not That Into You…why aren’t you?  Are you depressed?  Job stress?  Not happy with your current situation?  That kind of thing can really make you feel UNsexy.  Hopefully if You Are Just Not That Into You, you can examine why and then convince yourself to give yourself another chance.  Get to a place where you would want to do you.  That's where you can have the best sex of your life.  What you have to do to get there is a personal journey, but I hope you do take it.
Or if You Would Do You….that’s so cool!  Look at you, Hottie Pants!  Aren't you irresistible? Yes, yes you are.