Sunday, January 26, 2014

How to Get Some Strange but Stay Monogamous

It seems that the reason monogamy doesn't produce good long-term sex for some people is because humans require and desire sexual variety.

Being monogamous feels sexually stifling to some people.  Monogamy itself is said to cause cheating and dishonesty, because no one wants to be the one to say "I'm sorry, but I just needed some strange!  This is normal for human beings!

There are many non-monogamous options for sexual relationships these days.  Lots of people are identifying as poly and moving away from monogamy.  Meanwhile, science keeps telling us that monogamy is not really the sexual structure nature intended for us.  (The good news here is that our real sexuality probably should look more like the bonobos).

I am happy that there is a huge poly movement currently, personally.  I think it will offer a whole new spectrum of ways that people can love each other and have sex and relationships and families.  Go Poly Rainbow World!

I also totally agree that my body isn't naturally monogamous.  It just isn't.  I am loyal to the Sex God I'm married to completely...but my body isn't immune to the sexual vibe that is all around us in the Vast Sexual World.

If you've read some more of my blog, you know that my husband and I don't have sex with other people.  But we do sometimes get some strange.

Here's how...

Each of us is far more than the one face we present to the world.  We have depths and peaks and valleys in our personalities.  We are capable of a huge range of emotional states and reactions.  In essence, we all have many different "selves".  Some people use this ability we all have and make it into a career in acting.  But no one has to be an actor to have at least a little bit of this talent.

Add to our natural ability to take on different personas, our ability to costume ourselves to the extent that we can look like different people as well...and you've got a bunch of strangers right there, within you, right now.

Your own imagination can make your two-person monogamous sex life into a whole cast of people, who ever you want them to be!

My husband and I have several go-to personas we put on for sex.  And then we also know we can create a new one at any time.  It is more than just playing dress up and role playing, though those happen, too.  It is more delving into ourselves and finding new ways to express ourselves. 

By playing this way, we do get some strange on the regular.  I've got about 15 boyfriends, FWB's, service men, etc...all of whom seem like different people than my husband, but they are not.  They're all him, just different flavors of him.

He has that many or more girlfriends, call girls, girls next door, happy ending massage babes, chicks who are Sex God groupies...it is a long list of lovers he has.  Each has different talents, desires, and style.  Yet each are different aspects of just one little ol' me.

We don't do a whole production with it, it is just a bit of fun now and then.  We don't have to stay in character to make it sexy...we always feel sexy whether we're playing a game like this or not.  But we really do feel like we are getting a variety of sex partners by playing this way.

You can make yourself look like a completely different person if you put some imagination and effort into it.  So even though we're still us underneath anything we wear, we actually don't look like us at all when we bring our various other selves around for play time.  I can go from buxom brunette to leggy blonde to sizzling hot redhead in a 5 minute costume change.

This is why you need a proper Sex Closet, by the way.

But honestly, you can do it without costuming, too.  You simply bring out other parts of yourself and present it to your lover, and ask them to do the same.

If you've never done anything like this before, it might take some practice or it may feel awkward at first.  But the best sex you've ever had comes from engaging your own imagination...so at least try it out!

One of the reasons I've read that poly folks enjoy finding new partners, is what they call New Relationship Energy.  Basically, this refers to that fun, butterfly in the stomach feeling you get when you've just met someone new and you know something cool might happen.  You think about them all the time, you start fantasizing about them, and you keep them close in your heart, hoping for more good feelings to follow by knowing them.

I understand that this is a valuable feeling...and in fact, I wouldn't want to be in any relationship without that feeling.  But I actually still have that feeling about my husband every day.  Like it is new.  I can't stop thinking of him.  He is held close in my heart...all the time.  I feel butterflies in my stomach when I see him unexpectedly.  I'm sprung on him, perpetually.

There are some relationship researchers and authors who say that you can actually stay in that New Relationship Feeling with a long term partner, indefinitely.  It doesn't only come from new people you just met.  It can come from someone who is already there and who already loves you.

Juicy love chemical cocktails are not reserved only for new relationships.  Heck, I get that feeling with my husband *and* all 15 of my boyfriends, too!

So dress up, drag your multiple personalities out of their closets, and get your freak on with some familiar strange.

You know that home cookin' is good for ya!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Challenging Casanova - A Book Review

This book rocks!

Being married to a Sex God has a lot of perks.

For instance, knowing my husband has shown me that men can be great lovers and can *also* be great romantic partners!  Being married to him has proven to me that men are capable of extraordinarily deep levels of love and intimacy.  And I know my husband isn't the only one of his kind.

The book Challenging Casanova, by Andrew Smiler is part of a growing wave of change that will help future men become the Sex Gods they are capable of being, and can even help bring current Sex Gods out of their closets now.

When I talk about the qualities that give my husband Sex God status, I'm talking about many things other than his sexual talents.  Yes, those talents are quite important to his status, but by themselves sexual talents mean nothing.  Having sexual talent isn't rare, many people have a lot of it.

What puts him into Sex God territory are his talents in emotional connection, intimacy, love and devotion.  When these talents are combined with his sexual talents, NOW we're talkin' Sex God status.

Challenging Casanova looks at our cultural view of young men...like the fact that we call them "dogs".  We think that men just want sex, they want all the sex they can get with nearly anyone who is willing, and they will do almost anything to get it.

We treat young men and boys like they are walking erections, yet give them very little education about sex.  Rather, we basically just beg them to "control themselves".  We give them no consideration as emotional beings.  We don't expect them to want to be romantic, we just expect that they want to get laid and might make some romantic gestures but only to get some action.

Andrew challenges this notion and asks, is this image we have of young men really true, or are we just projecting it on them?

When you actually ask large groups of young men how they view themselves, they report that they seek emotional connection, love, romance, intimacy and companionship.  Not "just sex".  All of the research he examined is showing that the image we are projecting, that of a horny teen with no ability to love or connect, is definitely not what young men and boys think of themselves.

The subject is complicated but important.  I highly recommend this book as a baseline for understanding a new paradigm.  Men are not pigs.  They want love and connection and meaning through relationships, from the earliest stages of their awareness of their own manhood.  They also want sex.  But no more than women do!  Sex is a natural human desire for both genders.  Turns out, so is emotional connection.

When we treat our young men and boys as if they are not expected to form emotional attachments, they will essentially feel shamed if they do feel those attachments and might actually avoid making any.  And this can stunt the ability to make those attachments later in life.  Then we end up in a sad cycle of basically shaming boys to *be* promiscuous and act recklessly.

One of the reasons my husband is a Sex God is that he was blessed with a healthy self-esteem, and healthy ideas about sexual and romantic issues.  He had the opportunity to understand himself as a sexual and romantic person without a bunch of confusion and angst.

Part of why he's a "natural" with the ladies is because he didn't accept the unnatural expectations the world has of young men.  I am positive that if more young men can grow up free to seek deep emotional connections *and* good sexual relationships, we'd have future generations full of Sex Gods, instead of Challenged Casanovas.

I cringe when I read the pick up community advice.  They talk about "naturals" as if they are the gold standard of what men should aspire to be.  But the "naturals" they are talking about are mostly seeking to score high numbers of one night stands.  This is a sad role model that is the result of the exact Casanova Complex that Andrew is writing about.  It completely ignores the reality that men want connection and love as well as sex.  In fact, in the pick up community, men regularly shame each other if any of them speak of wanting love and connection.

If my husband wrote a book about how to be a Sex God, the chapters wouldn't be about negging, isolating, and seduction (which are bizarre tactics promoted in the pick up artist community).  (See post: Sex God Advice for Pick Up Artists )

Me to Giacomo:
Get outta here, you too?
I have my own agenda...I want to be a champion for more great sexual-romantic relationships in the world.  I want us all to be better lovers and partners and find each other and be happy together.  I am not trying to define those partnerships to one man-one woman or any other relationship model...I just promote great sex and great emotional connection, however that works for you.

I strongly feel that the stereo types of "men want sex but not romance, and women want romance but not sex" are standing in the way of the progress we need to make to have better sex, better relationships, and overall, more love.

Buy this book and also buy one to give anyone you know who has a son!  I know there is a movement to change the view society holds of men, and that it will liberate the Sex God within them all.  A-MEN.

 More information about the book Challenging Casanova

Buy the book at Amazon

Author Andrew Smiler's web page

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Erotic Jealousy

So...jealousy is the fear of losing something, usually to someone else.  Whereas envy is wanting something that someone else has.  And insecurity is feeling like you aren't good enough in some way.

In my marriage, we don't feel a lot of envy or insecurity.  Envy, definitely no - because I don't want what anyone else has.  My husband is just right for me.

And I don't feel much insecurity.  I used to have a fair amount of it, but my husband is so good at making me feel loved that I finally had to give it up.  I don't think he feels much envy or insecurity either.  We both know we've got it so good and we're both very secure.

But jealousy?  Yes, we both experience that.  And I honestly LOVE it.  Here's why...

I am an attention whore, but more specifically, I want sexual attention from my husband all the time.

Yes, this is me being a greedy, horny wife...but dammit, I really am an attention whore.  I want him to watch me walk across the room - checking out my ass the whole way.  (And he does).  When I put on a tight shirt, I want him to notice my boobs in it.  (And he does).  When I buy new underwear and wear it for the first time, I want him to notice them, say something about them being new, and then check them out very closely - making me model them for him- because he honestly loves seeing any new panties on my body.  (And he does).  Damn, I love him.

He is basically always paying sexual attention to me.  He has his hands and eyes on me all the time.  He also knows where my eyes are going, what I'm looking at and paying attention to.  And he'll never miss it if anyone else has their attention on me.  I already explained in this post about how he does a lot of mate-guarding and deliberately watches out for Sexual Wolves.  When he spots one, he is right there ready to get into their line of sight and block them from seeing me or making eye contact with me.

I love it when he does this.  He just gently steps in to edge out this "other male", whoever he was.  And it isn't that there is any actual threat, because I'm head over heels in love with my husband and he has nothing to worry about.  But the fact that we're all mammals, still walking around in the Sexual Jungle, and because we like to play our hard boundary games...that means we stay aware that others could try to "move in" on us.

Just because my husband and I are monogamous doesn't stop the rest of the world from trying to get us to play with them.  It is our job to protect our own boundaries.  The rest of the world has no such obligations and sometimes it will actively try to knock down our boundaries.

The rules and games and mate-guarding go both directions.  I will step in if I see somebody checking him out, too.

Sometimes if my phone rings late at night (which would most likely be a wrong number) he will jump up and say "why do your boyfriends have to call night and day, day and night, did you not tell them all you are married??" and then he will grab me and tickle me and make me laugh and then pin me down and kiss me.  Really, all he is saying is "I'm paying attention to you".  He knows that no dude is going to be calling me at night, but he acts as if I have offers of other men lined up down the street and around the block.  This is his way of making me feel that he knows I am a catch, and by making me feel like a catch he is paying me the sweetest compliment of all.

I know that if he didn't pay this much attention to me...if he didn't notice when other men notice me...if he didn't notice when I'm wearing new panties...it would mean he isn't that into me.  The way he acts toward me with his constant rush of sexual attention is how he acts when he really is sexually interested and attracted.

And I need and LOVE this attention from him.  As I said I'm simply a whore for it...can't get enough.  Nom nom nom.

So we've learned to take the natural feelings of jealousy that occur when someone is eyeballing your mate, and use them as opportunities to show each other how closely we are paying attention and how eligible we consider each other to be.

(This is another way I like to
claim my husband in public).
I love saying "I saw that chick over there checking you out...she better not get any fancy ideas cuz you're MINE!" and then planting a big kiss on him and throwing my arms around his neck and staking my claim on my Sex God husband.  It feels great, it makes him feel great, and it sends a message to the world that we are only available to each other.

I want to point out that my husband and I would never use jealousy against each other.  Like, if I notice someone trying to make eye contact with me, I simply avoid eye contact with that person.  I do not point it out to my husband or try to make him jealous with it.  I will never "create" a situation that makes him jealous, that would just be mean, not fun.

Also, I know that for some people, jealousy is a painful emotion and it doesn't feel fun or playful.  My husband and I are not dealing with the type of jealousy that just makes you feel like shit.  If jealousy was a strong and painful emotion for either of us, we'd never make it into fun and games like we do.

If you are dealing with severe jealousy that you would like to get rid of, I definitely wouldn't recommend playing these kinds of games.  If you are bothered and hurt by jealousy, maybe check out this program: DailyOM - Overcoming Jealousy


There is trust in our relationship.  Our jealousy doesn't stem from lack of trustworthiness.  No, it comes from the fact that we want to own and possess each other...in the fun, kinky way, with rules and collars and punishment and stuff.  We are truly Slaves to Love.

Oh, joy!

We have found our stride with the jealousy thing and we play with it when it happens naturally.  We really aren't worried that some Sexual Wolf is going to run off with our mate...but we pretend to stand guard all the time, just in case.

Acknowledging your partner's high worth as a mate is really the ultimate compliment.  It says "I'm so lucky to have you and I know it!"  Plus, it makes me horny to have his sexual attention all the time...mmmm....

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Hair Play

I love to have my hair brushed, stroked, or tugged.  It is a sensual delight.  The sensations in my scalp from having my hair simply touched or played with run down my body in electric pulses, while simultaneously relaxing me.

This is a fantastic feeling and it almost induces a meditation state.  If I want to, I can connect those pulses to my erogenous zones and get sexually amped up on the feeling.

Hair pulling has an added element to it.  When your lover scoops up a big handful of your hair and tugs it just right, you can almost pass out from the thrill of it.

This is obvious when you see a mother cat pick up a kitten by the scruff of its neck.  The kitten goes completely limp, its eyes roll back in its head, and it looks like a zombie.  It becomes so relaxed it appears dead and unconscious.

Then when the mother puts it down, the kitten’s eyes come back around and it is wide awake again, but you can see that it is just a little bit stunned for a moment.

That’s because little kitty took a walk on another side of consciousness for just a moment there.  Being so completely still and limp brings with it a shift in consciousness.

Playing with different states of consciousness in sex is really fun, and hair pulling is an unexpected way to do it.  If you don’t experience what I’m describing, you may not be able to relax enough to get that far into it.  Maybe watch some videos of kittens getting carried around for inspiration.

When I let myself go and really get into my hair being pulled, I always have a great experience.  It is usually a very sexual experience for me, although it doesn’t have to be.  It is always sensual, however.  All of my other senses come into even sharper focus when my attention all goes to my head and hair.  Then I get that slight fear that my hair will be pulled too hard – but I like a little scare like that.  My husband is just perfect at hair pulling, he keeps me on the edge of “a little bit too hard” for a moment and then lets off, then does it again.

There are a lot of ways you can use your hair and head sensually:

*run your fingers through your own hair or your lover’s hair and gently part any tangles with your fingers

*stroke your lover’s hair with long, deliberate strokes

*brush or comb your lover’s hair slowly and lovingly

*firmly but gently pull someone’s hair, grab a handful of it as close to the scalp as possible and then squeeze your grip…ask your lover to let you know how it feels and play with various levels of comfort or pain until you are both aware of how much is too much

*for fun rough play with long hair, pull your lover’s hair up into a ponytail and sort of yank it around as you work it through the hair tie…then take the pony tail out, brush the hair out roughly and yank it back up into a pony tail again and again

*buy a special brush that is only used for sensual hair play, and keep it in a special box (hair brushes are great for spankings, too).

*special care might be needed to play with extremely curly or frizzy hair, so take your time and find out what works and what feels good that doesn't mess up yer 'do

You can get very rough and painful with hair pulling, but it doesn’t have to be.  The thing that usually hurts is when a small amount of hair gets pulled from the ends.  This hurts the most (and not in a pleasant way).  Pulling hair directly at the scalp doesn’t really have that  "hurty pull” feeling to it.  It is more like a flesh grab.

Other parts of the body that have hair can feel nice to be stroked, petted, combed and played with, too.  Even eyebrows and eyelashes can feel sensually delicious to be lightly stroked or touched.  Having your scalp massaged is also heavenly.

Here's an excellent youtube video about hair pulling, done by a massage expert.  It isn't sexual at all, it is just this guy showing how you can really give a great hair pulling and head massage.  There is a short ad but it is worth the wait.

Massage Techniques: Hair Pulling

There is a lot of sensual joy to be found in your hair and head.  Put some effort into igniting this part of your body and working with the sensations.  Ask your lover to just randomly come up behind you and take a handful of your hair at the scalp and pull your head back and then kiss you deeply.  There’s nothing like it!

I think guys could enjoy receiving hair play much more than they expect to...so make sure he gets a turn, too.