If you've never been married, you probably don't realize how unsafe marriage is. You may intellectually understand the statistics and that "most" marriages will end in divorce. But most unmarried people don't know how big that risk really is.
Unmarried people probably still believe that when they meet someone and marry them, theirs will be the type of love that keeps their marriage safe from harm.
|Useful chart for assessing the current threat level in your marriage.
Every marriage has potential attackers coming at it from all sides.
I don't mean to scare you...(well, maybe I do a little bit)...but here's a small list of some common things that can grow into a BIG GIGANTIC CRISIS that can harm or even destroy any marriage:
*Family/in-law fights and disagreements
*Child raising issues
*Any kind of stress from outside the home, such as work stress
*Sex issues, cheating, loss of intimate connection
Love by itself doesn't keep your marriage safe from these issues. There will be things that happen that test your love for each other and test your resolve and commitment. There will be times when you may want to run away from your own marriage with your arms flailing. All love does in that case is make you feel guilty for wanting to flee.
Being in love is different than just "love". When you and your spouse are in love with each other, you will be more likely to handle these marriage stresses successfully, as a united front. If you aren't in love with each other, you will be operating like two individuals who don't necessarily have the same goals.
Something no one tells us before we are married is that you will tend to fall out of love when you get married unless you take specific steps to stay in love. What?! Who the hell knew?? We don't just magically stay in love forever without maintenance to our love life?
There are a lot of great books out there to help people learn the necessary skills of staying in love with each other. There are also experts and counselors to help you if you need them. There is a road map to having a good marriage, if you want to find it. If only people would follow all these good bits of advice and learn about how to make marriage work and how to stay in love. Some people do, but most of us still end up divorced.
This is a second marriage for both my husband and I. We've been around that block and made those mistakes. And can I just tell you in case you didn't know it? Divorce SUCKS. I'm committed to never going through that crap again.
So...in my quest to remain happily married forever this time, I have searched the internet over for the best marriage books, advice, websites, programs, message boards, and I have also talked to actual marriage counselors and other experts. I have formed some really great marriage practices out of all of this study. My husband is on board with me - - we're in this to win it. We want this to last and we want to stay in love.
The only type of marriage advice I could *NOT* find was about marriage and kink.
Sooo...What If You're Kinky...and Married?
Our sex life is a priority for us. We groom it and tend to it. We pay attention to it, we have sexual goals, and we enjoy being lusty toward each other every day. When you are highly sexual and naturally kinky, you will be healthiest when you are in a sexual relationship that is meeting or exceeding your needs and desires. I need this high level of sexual functioning between us in order to stay so madly in love with him.
I couldn't find anything about our specific type of kinky monogamous sex when I went looking for it.
If you want to learn about living in a certain type of sexual lifestyle, there is advice and good practices for literally any type of lifestyle you can think of.
Except Kinky Monogamy.
I am writing my blog in part because I can't find anything like it. How can we incorporate our complicated, kinky sexual lifestyle into our monogamous marriage? How can we honor our sexual needs and get them met in the way we want them to be? How can you work on keeping your marriage strong while also keeping your kink satisfied?
Many of my posts are about our particular type of kink. In each post, I try to re-iterate the fact that I'm not suggesting other people should be kinky in the same way we are. There are many flavors of kink, we don't all have the same tastes.
Hopefully if you don't like our flavor, you can skim past those parts and just pick up the real message here which is: Monogamy is a Sexual Lifestyle Choice. Make it as kinky as you want!
Our kink has to do with owning and possessing each other. It is based upon the idea that we each have a power over the other, and we are both in a state of willing slavery to each other. We incorporate rules and punishment into our kink, but since we are both willing slaves, no punishment is really necessary. I want to rule him and own him, and I want him to do the same to me. (Related post: Slaves to Love). These ideas may not work in a day to day real world setting. But in a kinky lifestyle, they can work great!
To achieve the level monogamy we want to have requires us to have strict boundaries in our marriage. We take it a few steps further and make it Hardcore Monogamy, with hardcore boundaries that apply to both of us. We have taken the usual good practices for having boundaries in marriage, only we've really kinked it up and made it hot for us. We keep ourselves in our sex life, and keep everyone else out. (If you aren't married yet, you may not realize that people will be pushing against the boundaries of your marriage and sex life at all times! You may even sabotage your own monogamy if you don't put boundaries around yourself! Oh, the things you'll learn...)
Safe words in our marriage are words like devotion, loyalty, intimacy, honesty and mutual surrender. We can't live this lifestyle without those words being true in our marriage every day. Those other stresses are things we can handle together because we are able to stay in love. And for me, staying in love includes staying kinky.
If you live a Kinky Monogamous Lifestyle, join me in writing or blogging about it! Or find a message board where you can share your story!
Get the word out there.
It doesn't only apply to marriage, many other types of relationships are Kinky and Monogamous.
I want people to know that it is quite possible to be as Kinky as you want within a committed, monogamous relationship. Pass it on!