Saturday, November 30, 2013

Safe Words in Marriage

I'm not talking about kinky safe words.  I'm talking about the fact that all marriages are unsafe.  Did you know there are threats to every marriage, lurking around every corner?

If you've never been married, you probably don't realize how unsafe marriage is.  You may intellectually understand the statistics and that "most" marriages will end in divorce.  But most unmarried people don't know how big that risk really is.

Unmarried people probably still believe that when they meet someone and marry them, theirs will be the type of love that keeps their marriage safe from harm.

Bah!  Rookies.

Useful chart for assessing the current threat level in your marriage.
When people say "marriage is hard work" no one really gets what this means until they are knee deep in the hard work.

Every marriage has potential attackers coming at it from all sides.

I don't mean to scare you...(well, maybe I do a little bit)...but here's a small list of some common things that can grow into a BIG GIGANTIC CRISIS that can harm or even destroy any marriage:

*Family/in-law fights and disagreements

*Child raising issues

*Financial problems

*Any kind of stress from outside the home, such as work stress

*Sex issues, cheating, loss of intimate connection

Love by itself doesn't keep your marriage safe from these issues.  There will be things that happen that test your love for each other and test your resolve and commitment.  There will be times when you may want to run away from your own marriage with your arms flailing.  All love does in that case is make you feel guilty for wanting to flee.

Being in love is different than just "love".  When you and your spouse are in love with each other, you will be more likely to handle these marriage stresses successfully, as a united front.  If you aren't in love with each other, you will be operating like two individuals who don't necessarily have the same goals.

Something no one tells us before we are married is that you will tend to fall out of love when you get married unless you take specific steps to stay in love.  What?! Who the hell knew??  We don't just magically stay in love forever without maintenance to our love life?

There are a lot of great books out there to help people learn the necessary skills of staying in love with each other.  There are also experts and counselors to help you if you need them.  There is a road map to having a good marriage, if you want to find it.  If only people would follow all these good bits of advice and learn about how to make marriage work and how to stay in love.  Some people do, but most of us still end up divorced.

This is a second marriage for both my husband and I.  We've been around that block and made those mistakes.  And can I just tell you in case you didn't know it?  Divorce SUCKS.  I'm committed to never going through that crap again.

So...in my quest to remain happily married forever this time, I have searched the internet over for the best marriage books, advice, websites, programs, message boards, and I have also talked to actual marriage counselors and other experts.  I have formed some really great marriage practices out of all of this study.  My husband is on board with me - - we're in this to win it.  We want this to last and we want to stay in love.

The only type of marriage advice I could *NOT* find was about marriage and kink.

Sooo...What If You're Kinky...and Married?

Our sex life is a priority for us.  We groom it and tend to it.  We pay attention to it, we have sexual goals, and we enjoy being lusty toward each other every day.  When you are highly sexual and naturally kinky, you will be healthiest when you are in a sexual relationship that is meeting or exceeding your needs and desires.  I need this high level of sexual functioning between us in order to stay so madly in love with him.

I couldn't find anything about our specific type of kinky monogamous sex when I went looking for it.

If you want to learn about living in a certain type of sexual lifestyle, there is advice and good practices for literally any type of lifestyle you can think of.

Except Kinky Monogamy.

I am writing my blog in part because I can't find anything like it.  How can we incorporate our complicated, kinky sexual lifestyle into our monogamous marriage?  How can we honor our sexual needs and get them met in the way we want them to be?  How can you work on keeping your marriage strong while also keeping your kink satisfied?

Many of my posts are about our particular type of kink.  In each post, I try to re-iterate the fact that I'm not suggesting other people should be kinky in the same way we are.  There are many flavors of kink, we don't all have the same tastes.

Hopefully if you don't like our flavor, you can skim past those parts and just pick up the real message here which is: Monogamy is a Sexual Lifestyle Choice.  Make it as kinky as you want!

Our kink has to do with owning and possessing each other.  It is based upon the idea that we each have a power over the other, and we are both in a state of willing slavery to each other.  We incorporate rules and punishment into our kink, but since we are both willing slaves, no punishment is really necessary.  I want to rule him and own him, and I want him to do the same to me.  (Related post: Slaves to Love).   These ideas may not work in a day to day real world setting.  But in a kinky lifestyle, they can work great!

To achieve the level monogamy we want to have requires us to have strict boundaries in our marriage.  We take it a few steps further and make it Hardcore Monogamy, with hardcore boundaries that apply to both of us.  We have taken the usual good practices for having boundaries in marriage, only we've really kinked it up and made it hot for us.  We keep ourselves in our sex life, and keep everyone else out.  (If you aren't married yet, you may not realize that people will be pushing against the boundaries of your marriage and sex life at all times!  You may even sabotage your own monogamy if you don't put boundaries around yourself!  Oh, the things you'll learn...)

Safe words in our marriage are words like devotion, loyalty, intimacy, honesty and mutual surrender.  We can't live this lifestyle without those words being true in our marriage every day.  Those other stresses are things we can handle together because we are able to stay in love.  And for me, staying in love includes staying kinky.

If you live a Kinky Monogamous Lifestyle, join me in writing or blogging about it!  Or find a message board where you can share your story!

Get the word out there.

It doesn't only apply to marriage, many other types of relationships are Kinky and Monogamous.

I want people to know that it is quite possible to be as Kinky as you want within a committed, monogamous relationship.  Pass it on!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Sensitivity Training: Unicorns DO Exist

When you refer to someone as a Unicorn it can mean a few different things, but it usually means someone who is so awesome (per your specifications) that they are literally unattainable and therefore, may as well be non-existent.
Many people would consider my Sex God husband to be a Unicorn.  The thinking goes that people like him are scarce and they hold some “magic” that others don’t have.  

I’ve heard myself referred to as a Unicorn because I am a highly sexual female.  The thinking here goes that men are more sexual than women are, and highly sexual females are extremely rare but highly sexual males are not (but Sex Gods are still rare).

Something I’ve discovered that might surprise you is that many people are Unicorn-i-phobic.
People are suspicious of highly sexual people.  Which I can understand sort of, because there is confusion between “highly sexual” and “predatory”.  When I’m talking about being highly sexual, I mean people who are only sexual with explicit enthusiastic consent.  Those who are true predators and creeps are not on the same scale.  But when you can’t tell who is who, it can be confusing.

Let’s look at the Sexual Proclivity Scale again...

Most people probably fall in the regularly sexual range and on the upper (very) and lower (moderately) sides of it.  The regularly sexual population are not "less than" those who are higher on the scale, like ESP's.  The main difference is that ESP’s will make sex a bigger priority in their lives and will typically have more sexual experiences.

I've always wanted to see one
but I was afraid it might trample me!
But in the collective consciousness there is suspicion cast on people who are highly sexual…I have witnessed this first hand.  In fact, some people who want to be more sexual themselves have a fear of those who already are.  Dr. Nerdlove (my new favorite blogger) talks about this issue on these most excellent posts:

The Secret to Getting More Sex

Who Has The Power In Dating?

Everything in these two posts is just so RIGHT ON that I want to shake Dr. Nerdlove's hand.  He says much more than I can on this topic and he's hit every note I would have tried to if I could.

Of course, he is writing for the single reader, so his topics do not usually center around monogamy the way mine do.  He discusses sexual topics as they affect the dating world.  But the dating world is part of the Vast Sexual World so it's relevant reading for anyone who wants to know more about sexuality.  I'm going to summarize a lot of what he said in those two excellent posts as best I can below.

Can’t we all just get along with the Unicorns?  They do exist.  They are not dangerous.  And you can see them for what they really are when you believe in them!  

It has always been obvious to me that people sometimes fear highly sexual females, because I have been one my whole life.  A young female with too many curious questions will be met with suspicion by nearly everyone.  An adult female who is sexually self-aware and aggressive can send many men running the opposite direction.

Which is kind of ironic, because it is a popular belief that a woman can "get sex any time she wants" because "all men want sex anytime they can get it with any willing (hot enough for his tastes) female".  In my experience, this is just not true.
Ladies, NEVER do this without enthusiastic consent!

First of all, not all men will just “do” any willing woman, whether she is attractive or not.  Some men will turn away from sexual opportunities without regret.  Think  about Gilligan, Maryann and Ginger.  

Gilligan doesn't want to pick which one of the girls he'd rather do, he wants to run away from them both.  Now to me, Gilligan isn't just a wimpy dude who can't handle these chicks, this is a man who is not down for sex unless it is on his own terms.  

Gilligan set his boundaries pretty well.  I don't think either Maryann or Ginger ever got past them.  They spent years sexually harassing him to no avail.  (Poor Gilligan).

Secondly, even highly sexual men are far more discerning than most people assume.  The ones who are self-aware will pass up sexual opportunities if they don’t happen to fit their current needs or desires for sex.

Being a male ESP doesn’t mean you are a walking erection just waiting for a willing person to happen across your path.  ESP’s understand that good sex isn’t a scarce commodity (and neither are ESP females) and therefore, random sexual opportunities are not unexpected.  They actually happen all the time.  It isn’t that big of a deal.

When you are highly sexual and you choose monogamy as a sexual lifestyle, you have to set up boundaries against these random sex opportunities.  You expect them and you deftly deflect them in favor of staying true to your lifestyle choice.

It happens all the time: ESP’s see each other in the wild and find each other and have sex with each other.  They don’t misunderstand each other or consider each other Unicorns.  ESP’s know that other ESP’s are always around somewhere in this Vast Sexual World.  Nothing sexual is unattainable, really.  That doesn’t mean that sex isn’t special and out-of-this-world good, it just means that it is available and attainable.  An ESP usually knows how to find their ideal sex partner and how to be one themselves.

Good news!  Unicorns DO exist!  And YOU can be one, too....

Since in the bigger picture of the Vast Sexual World nothing is unattainable, then the particular mythical creature that you think is out of your reach actually DOES exist out there somewhere and it IS within your reach.

What’s even better is that YOU have an inner Unicorn, too.  I have learned that most people are capable of a much higher level of sexual functioning than they allow themselves to use.

So what about the people who really should scare us?

Well, unfortunately those exist, too.  The predators and creepers that really can harm you, use you, or get your sexual aura muddy are out there.  I just tell people that if your Sex-dar is honed really well, you can "see" the predatory creepers and distinguish them from the real Unicorns, Sex Gods and other Sexual Beasts that roam the Sexual Jungle.  Predators cast an ugly shadow and have a "vibe" that you can't mistake.  I'll make a separate post soon about honing your Sex-dar skills!  (updated later: here's the Sex-dar posts: Calibrating Your Sex-Dar)

I am totally buying this for
The Sex Closet
How to find your very own Unicorn or become one yourself...

Step One:  You must be a true believer!  

Step Two:  If you have Unicorn-i-phobia you must overcome it.

Step Three:  You must feel worthy of seeing the Unicorn.

Step Four:   Cast a Unicorn net in your own back yard and wait for the snare to be triggered.

I'm sure the last step sounds like the punch line of the joke, but it really isn't.  Because Unicorns - once you believe in them, stop fearing them, and make yourself ready for them - tend to show up very close to home. 

Like in the mirror, or in your own bed.  

(spoiler: the something inside you is a Unicorn)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

He even loves my Cankles...

Part of what makes my husband a Sex God is his ability to make me feel absolutely beautiful and sexually desirable.  I am pretty secure in my own attractiveness and I don’t need a lot of validation.

But he makes me feel like a goddess anyway.  He doesn’t do it to validate me, he does it because he’s totally into me and totally hot for me.

This includes him being hot for my imperfections.

Such as my cankles.

I have cankles.  I’m a babe with cankles.  Have always had them, will never not have them.  It is gross and I dislike my cankles.

If you have nice slender ankles, I envy you.  I love seeing a beautiful ankle and foot on a woman.  My feet are pretty cute…but my cankles, ugh.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d still do me.  (Like this blog post explains: Would You Do You? )

And I wouldn’t be staring down at my cankles going “ew, cankles!” either.  I’d be totally into me.  Some cankles wouldn’t stop me from good sex.

But...we tend to dislike our own imperfections quite a lot and my cankles are something that I really dislike.

Thankfully I have a muscular build and calves, so my cankles seem more proportionate to my legs than they would if I had thin, straight legs. 

My husband really loves my muscly legs and makes it obvious to me.  He touches them, talks about them, makes appreciative noises about them, wraps them around himself…he is so good at giving affirmation and sexual attention.  I agree that I have good legs, I just don’t like these damn cankles.

In fact, people dis-like cankles in general.  There are all kinds of jokes about them in movies and on TV.  Men make disparaging remarks about chicks who have them.  They seem to be fair game as a way to insult a woman.

Check out this article in the Wall Street Journal:  More Americans Concerned About Cankles

It is all about how women hate their cankles and they are trying different exercises, devices and surgeries (lipo) for cankle reduction.  We women who have cankles are usually very aware of it and dislike them.

I used to peruse the craigslist want ads for bit parts in commercials or print modeling.  I never got any work like that but it was fun to peruse, just in case something good came up.

I did see a good one once.  It asked for women with muscular and shapely legs to audition for a print ad for Nike.  I’m like “hey I could do that!”  But then it said “ankle must be slim”.

Man, cankle discrimination!  It is everywhere!

But my husband…well, he sees the world differently than the media does.  He can lift me up out of the cycle of groupthink that dictates "what is hot and what is not", and shows me his view of me instead.

He sees me as a goddess, including my beautiful cankles.  He can actually make me believe they are beautiful, too.  How does he do this?  Well, for example...
..If I fuss about them and say “oh…yuck look, they seem even fatter today” (which actually happens due to occasional inexplicable swelling), he will grab me and pick me up, lay me down on a bed or couch, then grab my cankles and pull my feet up into the air.

Usually I am mock fighting him, trying to get away but I'm also laughing my ass off and lose all my strength.  So I'm a pool of giggles with my feet in the air, his hands gripping my cankles.  Then he will kiss all over my cankles and make wild sexual noises, still holding them tightly up in the air.

He molests my cankles and sometimes acts like he is going to make me give him a mock foot job.  You know like when someone stronger than you grabs your wrist and forces your hand back onto your body and says "why'ya hittin' yourself?"  It's like that only he has my ankles in his grip and is making my feet flop around his goodies and he's saying "yeah baby, right there!"  By the time he’s doing this, I am getting horny.  

That’s one way he makes me feel my cankles are beautiful.  He really does love them…he loves me and is really hot for me.  I have other imperfections and he loves those, too.  I have to see myself as he sees me or else I am not being fair to him and his vision of me.  In order to be fully open to his enormous sexual tastes and appetites, I have to let him devour the Real Me that shows up on his Sex-dar.

When I see myself as he sees me, I love my cankles, too.

The Hawaiian characters in the movie Lilo & Stitch all have cankles.  I noticed that right away upon seeing it for the first time.  I’m like “hey they are really very cankly, like me!”

I loved this movie's artistry, because the characters were beautiful and their shapes were created to reflect their ancestral features...cankles included.

I mentioned the cankles in Lilo & Stitch to my husband once by saying "look at THOSE cankles, honey!" and he just replied (in Homer Simpson voice) “mmm…cankles”.

Ever since then anytime he sees Nani, Lilo’s hottie older sister, he will suddenly "remember" my cankles.  He will make animal noises, knock me off my feet (safely, onto a bed) and then will grab, tickle, kiss and molest my cankles all over again.

Skinny ankle?
If I point out someone else's lovely, skinny, perfect ankle, he will make an "ew" face and then tell me that skinny ankles are wimpy and they might snap in half if a girl had to run for her life, you know.  He says he specifically picked me because I would survive longer, if necessary.  Then he makes me show him my fat cankles and he says "now see, that is some good stock right there".

He’s not making it up, either.  He’s turned on by how sturdy I am.  He’s also funny as hell and comes up with all kinds of ways to sexually tease and taunt me, as I discussed in this post: Groping, Harassment, and more...

In that post I talked about the various sexually charged pet names he calls me and the crazy sexual words he makes up out of nowhere.  One of the best new words he ever came up with was:


Skankles: (noun)  Def: When you are a skank and you also have cankles, they are called skankles.


I didn't look up who these celebs were,
but I bet a few of them are skankles.

In the winter I am cold all the time.  We live in a cold, wet climate.  I am frequently wearing wool socks (am wearing them while writing this).  My husband hates being denied access to my body, which was also discussed in that blog post number #24 linked above.  If he wants his hands on me and there are clothes in the way, he blames the clothes and starts a fight with them.  (Yes, a fight with the clothes). 

wool skankle warmers
me: likey
he: hatey
That means he hates socks too, because they are “in the way” between him and my cankles.  He may have had zero plans on going after my cankles to molest them, but when he sees I have socks on he is suddenly furious to get at them.

He will say “get those nasty socks off, I want to nuzzle your cankles!” to which I might say “oh no, you musn't!” (teasing of course, as I always want him to “get me” in any way, shape or form).  

I immediately begin to pretend to try to get away when he’s in this mood, because I know he’s going to grab me and put me on my back and then grab my cankles in both hands.

He will chase me across the room and say “get over here with those woolly skankles!” until he captures me, removes the offensive wool socks, and makes out with my lovely, fat, sturdy ankles.

Sigh...I gotta hand it to him when he can make me love them, too!  He is authentic and shows me his real desire for me...cankles and all.
To my Sexy Husband...thankle you for making me see myself through your eyes.