Saturday, September 28, 2013


Yes, boobs.

My husband is a boob man.  Damn does he love my boobs.

Not all men are boob men, which you may or may not know.  If you are a woman who has always been partnered with boob men, then you might think all men are boob men.  Or if you are a guy and are a boob man, you might assume all men are as well.

Nope.  Not all men are boob men.

Some men “like boobs” but aren’t boob men.  You non-boob men who might be reading, I know you exist.  I’ve seen you in the wild.

Nothing wrong with that, but I gotta just say…

Damn, I love my boob man.  The fascination with and complete love and lust for my breasts he shows is something that hits me on such a primal, sexual level.   I love that he has a lust for this part of my body  that is apparently never ending.

No matter how many times my husband sees my boobs, he acts like it is the first time he’s ever seen ANY boobs and his eyes pop out of his head.

Or lets say he is laying in bed at night watching TV.  I go over to the other side of the room and discreetly change into my sleep wear.  This will include taking off my bra, of course.

Somehow, even if he didn’t know what I was doing, was engrossed in television, and couldn’t even see my body as I was changing…the moment my bra comes off…BAM!  He leaps out of bed and comes flying across the room to get his hands on my naked breasts.  He will then grope and fondle me to his heart’s delight, then he releases me and goes back to his TV viewing position.  It is as if he cannot or will not pass up even one opportunity to see and handle my boobs.  That’s a boob man.

I love boobs, too, actually.  I love my own and just love boobs in general.  So I do understand how he feels.  But he is of course a lusty male and that adds a different dimension to it.  The way he expresses his love for boobs is quite male in nature.

Ladies, if you want to feel that overwhelming lust your man has, you will need to allow him access to your body and specifically, your breasts.  I talked about this in my recent post 25. Groping, Harassment, and more

It is fine to set some limits.  My limit is just basically that I don’t necessarily want him to try to stimulate me every time he wants access to my boobs…I would rather he just do it for his own pleasure than try to make my nipples erect or arouse me.  They will normally get erect anyway but I tend to resent it if he goes directly for the nipples.

A whole boob grab, done with his lusty insanely capable hands is great!  I love it so much!  He has access to me like that at all times.  It reminds me of how much he loves my femininity.

He doesn't just grope and grab, I actually never know how he might come in to handle me.  He might be chasing me with his hands out in a "grab ya" position, but then when he gets me in his arms, he may sensually take off my shirt and bra, and just lightly kiss each of my breasts once, then lovingly put me back in my shirt.

Or he might not even come at me aggressively at all.  He might slowly come up behind me and softly slip his hands up my shirt from underneath, and just lightly pet my whole chest.

The man knows how to handle boobs, softly, slowly, roughly, all of it.  This is because he loves every moment of it.  He can drink in essence and energy from me by placing his face between my breasts and then his hands lightly on the outside of them and just breathing me in.

He plays with the weight of my breasts by delicately holding one in one hand and making it sway back and forth gently.  Only a man who is so madly in love with boobs will spend this kind of time and attention on them.  And by doing this, he gets reallllly good with those hands, and basically becomes the boob whisperer.

My girls literally LOVE HIM and want his attention ALL THE TIME.   

I am sure some women don’t want to be handled this way.  I was going to incorporate this post into my "Groping, etc" post but then decided that boobs needed a whole post of their own.  

I love the sexual side of boobs, the lusty element, the womanly element, the feminine element.  And I also love the nurturing element of having a soft bosom for him to lay his head upon.  It makes me feel powerful that I can deliver so much pleasure and goodness to him through this part of my body.  His masculine energy surges through him when he is in that boob zone, and I get so much pleasure from that part of him.

My husband loves my legs, butt, and other parts of my body very much, too.  Just because he is a boob man doesn’t mean he isn’t also a leg and butt man.  He loves the entire female body.

You can take out the "really big" part,
all boobs make life worth living.
But boobs…well they are special, because men have butts and legs themselves.  Boobs bring out more of a man’s lusty side because a boob man knows that nothing can compare to those lovely, bouncy things under your shirt.  They are in a class of sexy fun all their own.

If you hide your boobs or only allow access to them during sex, you might be missing out on all that lovely good masculine energy your man wants to be pouring on you.

When we first got together and I realized just how much of a boob man he is and just how often he wanted to have his hands on them…I was a bit nervous at first.  I had never allowed free access to my body before.  I felt that I needed boundaries on my body.

I thought that if I didn't put boundaries around my body, a lover might take advantage and just touch me anywhere, any time.  That sounded like a major turn off to me.

But I quickly learned that my husband is a stellar lover with totally accomplished hands that feel GREAT no matter where he touches me.  Opening my body to him for full access was easy once I knew I would never be handled in a way that turned me off.  

A man who has to tip toe around and ask for a peek at boobs is being denied his expression of lust.  Then later when he is allowed access, he may not know how to express it, because it isn’t coming from his natural timing it is just "the only time he is allowed".

If you want to be lustfully manhandled by a man, you need to let his lustful urges be in charge.  As long as he is respectful and his hands are skilled, it is far more fun to let him in my shirt when HE wants in there than to only let him in when I want him in there.

I can’t control or hold back his natural desires if I want to really know him, love him, and be aroused by him. I want to feel his REAL lust…the stuff that occurs in the moment…the kind that makes him have to leap out of bed just to get his hands on me, even though he may have had them on me just a few minutes earlier.

If he was clumsy or hurting me or something like that, I would not be as likely to have this open access policy.

So guys…you have to have skilled hands or your woman just isn’t going to like it.  If your hands are clumsy and not skilled, you may have to do some practice and ask for feedback.  But hopefully your woman will work with you on this!  Because having access to her body to put your hands on is how you develop skill.

Ladies...let him handle you so he can practice his mad hands skills, you won't regret it!  (Well, I guess you would if he never improves, so HELP him improve).

All the fun I've described in this post is about fun with boobs separately from sex, without trying to arouse them.  We reserve that true arousal for use during sex.  When I open myself to arousal, the sexual connection I have with my breasts is just exquisite...and he is just as skilled at true arousal as he is at fun and sensual play.  Mmmm....boobs.  

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Lead and Follow in Dancing (and Sex)

I've been dancing all my life.  I have to blog about it, of course. Dancing relates to sex and romance and health and fitness…and a lot of other things that I am an advocate of.  Man and woman originally danced to incite passion in each other and then they would mate.  (Yumm!)

There is individual dance, which can be choreographed or freestyle.  There is group dance and folk dance and ritual dance.

And then there is partnered dance.

Partnered dance can be freestyle, like a bump and grind type of mash up dance, or like two individuals freestyle dancing “together” but not touching each other.  Like this:

OR…partnered dance can be structured and have a lead and a follow.  Like this:

The lead and follow dynamic in dancing is what I want to focus on in this post.

The standard lead and follow dynamic is that the man is leading and the woman is following.  This is just a guideline and anyone can lead or follow, but both roles are necessary to make a true partnered dance possible.

The most common partnered dances people do these days are:

Ballroom (foxtrot, waltz, rhumba, etc)

Latin (salsa, cha cha, bachata, Argentine Tango)

Swing (lindy hop, east coast, west coast)

Country (country 2 step, country cha cha)

Blues Dancing (includes many variations)

Any of these dances can be danced with eroticism and passion like when dancing with a romantic partner, or they can be danced with respect and a purely platonic intention like when dancing with your grandmother.  

The above dances all have specific moves and steps.  The lead always initiates every step of the dance.  The follow truly only follows his instructions, by moving her body into the move he is leading.  The follow knows what the lead wants her to do by a fascinating process that comes close to being purely psychic. 

The lead tells the follow to move part or all of her body one way or another way, and he does this by imperceptible tension and compression between points of their bodies.  This is communication between two bodies.  No words are needed.  When you experience it, it is quite an unusual…and comforting feeling.  When a lead sends a follow the right signals and she interprets them correctly and makes the move he wanted her to make, it feels like you just made up a new language together...like you are literally reading each other's minds.

As a dancer, I know how to both follow and lead.  I enjoy doing both, very much.  I am much more experienced at  following, but I like to challenge myself by leading.

Following is easier than leading.  I put that in bold because it is an important point.  This is true in life, and true in dancing, and it is also true in sex. 

The lead has to know what is up ahead and what the next move will be.  The lead has to consider the safety of both dancers while simultaneously keeping good dance frame, planning out the next several moves, staying on time with the music, and responding to real time changes as they occur.  He also must strive to successfully make his follow look good.  This is more work than the follow has to do.

However, even though leading is harder, following is still not easy.  To follow properly, one has to surrender…much easier said than done when you try it.  To follow properly, you must not anticipate what your lead will do next.  Because if you anticipate the next move, your body will begin to go into that move, instead of the move your lead actually leads you into.  

It is quite difficult to tell your body that it can’t decide where it is going to move next, and instead you are going to surrender your control over to another person’s body.  You find suddenly that your body doesn’t want to obey another, and that you have to learn to surrender as well as learn to dance.

Once you do though…boy is it a heavenly ride to follow in a partnered dance with a good lead.  I think every woman can imagine being literally swept off her feet in a fantastic dance, even women who have never danced with a partner.

Leading doesn't bring that feeling of surrender but rather a feeling of responsibility…and also a feeling power or control.  Not in a wacky way, but in a creative and respected way.  If a man leads a dance he will get more creative credit for it than his follow does.  He took more responsibility and more risk.  And he also gets to know he made her swoon, which is reward enough itself.

The follow will get more credit for looking good.  A lead's job is to make her look good.  If your follow doesn't look good, comfortable and like she's having fun, then your job as a lead wasn't accomplished.

Notice she gets credit for looking good even though it is his responsibility to make sure she does...that is because she must actually look good.  The part you can't do for her, the part she brings to the dance herself, is looking good.  You can see this while watching any partnered lead-follow dance.  You can see it in every picture I have posted here of lead and follow dancing.  The lead is making (allowing the space and presentation for) her look good, and the follow is actually looking good (accomplished at dancing and enjoying herself with grace and style).

And with that in mind...

The ability to lead and follow - - as learned when learning to partner dance - - can be very nicely translated into bedroom fun and games.  

Example: We have a game where he pretends to grab me by the arm and pull or push me around and shake me, then throw me down on the bed or force me to bend over a chair or sofa.  All of this fun occurs by using lead and follow techniques.

When he grabs my arm, I know how to follow where he is pushing or pulling me with it…so that it only looks like he is pushing or pulling me.  I know how to follow while looking like I am resisting.  Therefore, we can play rough like this without ever actually hurting me....even though we make it look like he is hurting me or roughly handling me.  And he does handle me very rough, because I'm into that.  It just isn't as rough as it would appear to an onlooker.

I like rough play, but I don’t like being injured.   Lead and follow techniques help avoid injuries, which is important for kinksters.

Leading and following also helps us stay very connected.  Since lead and follow is a way of two bodies communicating, playing games like this keeps us in a very intimate and connected mental space…the same kind that is necessary to execute a good partnered dance between romantic partners. 

If he is going to throw me down on the bed, he has to:
*consider both of our safety,
*know if there is any obstacle on the bed,
*know if my body is in a good position to be grabbed at that moment,
*know that I am aware he is about to lead me into something,
*and then plan his next several moves all while executing those moves in a sexy way.

It is a lot of work!  All I have to do is surrender and follow….and ahhhhh….(damn I LOVE getting thrown down on the bed).

Here are some other fun sex related moves we can execute using lead and follow techniques...

*He can grab me by the back of the neck and lead my whole body using a gentle grip.

*He can put his hand on the small of my back or on my waist and lead me from there with just the lightest pressure of his finger tips.

*He can grab up a bunch of my hair in a big fist and pull on it, I can follow his pull so that it doesn't hurt at all but looks incredibly rough.

*He can stop me from moving toward something dangerous in several ways with simple lead and follow body communication, which is very useful.  I trust him to lead me to safety and away from danger, and he always does.  An every day example would be if he gave me a small lead cue to stop me from stepping out in front of a passerby I hadn't seen.  A sexy example would be when he gives me a small lead cue to make me go a different direction because he sees some guy eye-balling me up ahead of us.  (I love when he mate-guards me).

I plan to make some videos showing some easy-to-learn lead and follow techniques that can quickly be translated into sexy play moves.  But until I get around to that….I hope you take a dance class!

In dance classes you will:
Learn about tension and compression.   Learn about frame.  Learn about responsibility and surrender.  Learn about your body and how it moves.  Learn about the mental energy we are always using to control our bodies.  It is fascinating and helps with your overall mind-body connection to know how to dance, lead or follow.  Learning to dance enhances your sex life in so many ways.

I will blog more about dancing and how lead and follow techniques can be used for great sex.  I will also discuss the energy we exchange with each other, and how we can play with that energy when we use tension and compression.  This post just allowed me to introduce the topic of lead and following dancing, but much more will be tied in with it later.  Thanks for tuning in, and I hope you get to dance sometime soon.

Read another post about sex and dancing I wrote: Connection = Tension + Compression

Friday, September 13, 2013

Groping, Harassment, and more...

So…my husband is extremely lusty.  This manifests itself in the constant harassment I receive.  It may not sound fun to you to be constantly harassed…but somehow…he does it in a way that keeps me hanging on a string, wanting more of it.

Part of this is just because I am a whore for his attention.  When he teases me, flirts with me, acts like I am a piece of delicious meat…I love it.  I melt for it.  I love having his full attention.  Nothing spells attention like getting relentlessly teased by a sexy man who is hot to get in your pants.

This is sexual teasing, I’m talking about.  Very specifically designed to make me squirm and be shocked, but it also makes me want him to keep it coming.  Being very sexual myself, I LOVE the sexual teasing.  It just makes me simmer all the time.

Lots of women are not into this.  I have had many talks with women who would not enjoy the type of teasing I’m about to describe.  So I don’t want to give the impression that these moves are ok for every couple.  Don’t try this at home without a permission slip!

My husband knows he has my consent to be constantly harassed.  In fact, I love the creativity he puts into it.  He is absolutely brilliant at it!  I have a taste for sick humor, so he can go pretty far with me. 

First example…The Big Butt Thing  
He has thing where he acts like I have a really big butt.  But you see, he loves my butt.  It isn’t really that big…but it is round and bouncy.  And he loves the bouncy, oh my does he love the bouncy.  He makes it clear that he truly loves my back side all the time, every day. 

But of course, this is also a source of harassment, because he just can’t seem to stop himself. Anything is fair game.  The things he loves most about me are likely to be the things he harasses me about.  He knows it is “wrong” to tell a girl she has a big butt, so he does it purposely, just to get my reactions and provoke me.  Am I sick in the head because I love this?  (If I am, I don’t care…..yumm!) 

So the harassment begins with stuff like this:

*I turn my back to him and he acts like he sees something shocking.  He says, “Baby – how much bigger is your butt going to get this month?  I wanna be friends with that thing but I’m not sure I can get my arms around it now.”

*He sees me pulling up a pair of pants, getting dressed.  He says, “Be careful with those pants.  They aren’t double stitched or anything, your butt might bust right through there.”

*Song by (awesome 80's chick) Belinda Carlisle “Heaven is a Place on Earth” comes on the radio…he makes up his own lyrics on the spot:

"Ooooohhh baby, do you know what that’s worth?

Ooooohhh your ass is as big as the whole earth!

When I close my eyes…I can still see it gyrating, like I’m hypnotized…"

I should note that these comments usually come with him grabbing and groping my butt at the same time he is saying them, and I am giggly and pretending to try to get away.

I am pretty confident about my butt so all of his comments are truly so absurd that they are funny and crude…but not in the least bit mean.  It is all about him getting his hands into my pants by making me laugh.  I like his crudeness.  He’s so freaking lusty and sexually playful, and I love when he exhibits that side of himself.

C'mon give it up baby, you know you want some Roo.
Another example…The Animal Kingdom Thing

He always has to imply that I am so hot and sexy that not only men but also other animals can’t resist coming around to sniff me out.  This opens the entire Animal Kingdom to be included in his harassment games.  Stuff like….

*I tell him “Honey, it was so cool!  On my way in from the car a little squirrel stopped in a tree above my head and chattered at me for a minute, he seemed mad at me like maybe I startled him!”  He replies in 70’s porn star voice “Yeah it’s cause he heard about your world class ass and had to come check it out for himself…”

*He is standing behind me hugging me as we look forward at our yard.  A bird happens to land in front of us.  He says “See I’m telling you, word is getting around about the hot wife who lives on our street.  Look at him, he wants you so bad!”  Then he will pretend to pull my shirt up to force me to flash the bird and says “Hah!  She’s mine, look at these…you can’t have none!”  Meanwhile, I am laughing and trying to hold my shirt down.

Again…some women are going to find this very juvenile behavior.  Maybe I’m just juvenile myself. 

Another example…The Cookie Jar Thing
Gimme the cookie...NOW!

This is a more direct physical sexual harassment of my body than a verbal one.  It has to do with him “owning me” and having full access to my body.  This is part of a consensual agreement we have, which I talked about on this blog post:

20. Good Bad Times

But basically the deal is, I allow him free access to my body.  That means, if he wants up my shirt or down my pants (on top of panties), he just goes for it and I don’t resist (under panties is not part of the free access deal).  We made this agreement years ago and I LOVE IT.

He treats my body like his sexual play thing and deliberately keeps it sexually stirred up all the time.  He doesn’t go for actual sexual contact.  He just gropes me and grabs big handfuls of my flesh (breasts, butt, thighs, back. etc).  His gentle touch is awesome too, but his grope is just purrrrfect…I feel so lucky as a woman because the lusty grope is a hard move to master.

Anyway, the “Cookie Jar” is basically my clothes, and my goodies (breasts and butt mostly) are the cookies.  Anything I put on my body, he sees as an obstacle to his hands roaming my body.  So he harasses me by pulling at anything I am wearing, shoving his hands up it or down it, pretending to be “halted” by my horrible clothes that are in the way between him and his cookies, and making comments.

Sweaters, as a rule, are unacceptable.  If I put on a turtleneck sweater, he will say “Do you hate me or something?”  Sweaters create too much hassle for him to get to my goodies.

Skirts and dresses…he loves these because he can just whip them up and get right to me.  Which he does, everytime I wear one.  And I know this is coming and stand there waiting to be groped.  It is a sort of ritual that if he sees me in a skirt, his first reaction is to rush straight towards me and get his hands under it.  He hates the Cookie Jar and seeing it immediately makes him rebel against it and dive for the cookies.

(I would have shown him how to take the
tights off but he clubbed me before I could...
but I love getting my hair pulled so...win win!) 
Tights…he likes tights, how they feel, how they look, and we use them in sex a lot…but when he throws up my skirt and finds me wearing them, this is entirely different.  If he finds them when he is in the midst of getting his cookies, he pretends to get angered and confused by them like a cave man.  He makes a guttural noise and starts pulling at them clumsily but roughly like he’s going to rip through them to get to me.  Sigh…so cute!

And one more thing that is hard to categorize among these harassment categories, but I decided to put it in this one...nearly every morning after I have gotten dressed for work and am getting ready in the bathroom mirror, he comes up behind me and whips up my shirt and exposes my breasts, then he molests them.  All the while, I am forced to watch myself be molested in the mirror before me.  My face and my reactions are exposed while he just goes for it, full lust on display.  It is hard to describe why this is so hot...but it is.  (I later wrote a post dedicated to this special harassment: Boobs)

The last example:  The "Pet" Names

So finally we come to the "pet" names...but these are not your usual "pet" names...these are mixed with degradation.  This is possibly my favorite part of the whole big menu of harassment.

He has a new nick name for me every week.  Some of his more memorable ones have been:


Fun Bags

Suzy Super Soaker

Sticky (and then he starts singing "Oh Sticky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind!  Hey Sticky!)

Boobs McGee

Whore Knee

(I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea....)

He can also come up with hilarious new words on the spot.  Anything that has to do with any sexual organ can suddenly turn into a way to harass me, even if it has nothing to do with me.  Like recently I was watching TV and a yeast infection ad came on, he came in the room, saw the ad and said "Shopping for Mono-Slather again?  You don't even have an infection you just want to touch yourself, admit it."

When he can make me bust out laughing like that, he usually jumps on me while I'm still helplessly clutching my ribs...and we always end up making out with much frenzy and enthusiasm.


I know that my husband has nothing but love and respect for me and my body, but at the same time, he is truly a lusty beast and I love that about him. 

But also…I have a pretty raunchy sense of humor and we just “get” each other.  I can dish out the harassment to him pretty well, too.  We’re just both kinda wrong like that…but so right for each other.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sexual Self-Awareness, part 2

This post is a continuation of my last post, 23. Sexual Self-Awareness, part 1

So where was I...?  Oh yeah!  I was saying that examining my authentic responses and desires led me to sexual self-awareness.

Sometimes you think you are into something sexually, but it turns out you are not.  Or sometimes there are things you don’t think you’d ever be into, but you find that you totally are!  Becoming self-aware typically involves bringing out all (or most) of your sexual ideas and testing them out.

If they are never tested out, you don’t know for sure what you like and what you don’t like.

There are a lot of things I had sexual curiosity about when I met my husband…we have had the chance to test out basically all of them.  (Lucky me!)

Wait...this guy has to stay in the basket with us?
So no mile high club action?
I found that many things I had really thought would be fun sex games...fell totally flat for me when we tested them out.  But other things came to the forefront and the more sexual acts and ideas we tested and played with, the more I knew of myself.  He revealed what he knows of himself during that time, and we both learned each other.

There is still a lot to learn about each of us.  We love growing and expanding and continuing to spread our sexual wings together.

It really changed the entire game for me to become self-aware.  It was as if my previous sex life had occurred only in my mind, never to be actually lived out.  That isn’t entirely true, obviously…but before I became sexually self-aware, the most sexual thoughts I had were only thoughts and never became actual sexual events.  After I became sexually self-aware, I could now authentically live out those thoughts.

For me, the journey to sexual self-awareness required being in a relationship with a sexually self-aware man who is the love of my life.  I didn’t step out of my own mental head-trap and free myself of self-imposed repression until he helped me unlock myself.  The key he had in his hand was not his sexual talent (talent alone cannot unlock you or your partner).  It was his ability to love me so deeply, combined with his own self-awareness and his desire for personal growth.

(..."in bed")
(tee hee!)

It doesn’t take being a Sex God (or Bruce Lee) to be sexually self-aware.  Most people who are extremely sexual are also self-aware.  It isn’t difficult for a lot of people.  Many people don't have any reason to suppress their desires, they don't feel ashamed of them, and they have healthy sexual partners to experience themselves with.  Many find a lot of joy in knowing themselves.

Here is a little snip from Wikipedia on self-awareness.  Not sexual self-awareness specifically (I couldn't find an entry for that), but just plain old self-awareness.

Self-Awareness Theory states that when we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values.  We become self-conscious as objective evaluators of ourselves.  Self-awareness is not to be confused with self-consciousness.  Various emotional states are intensified by self-awareness.  
However, some people may seek to increase their self-awareness through these outlets. People are more likely to align their behavior with their standards when made self-aware. People will be negatively affected if they don't live up to their personal standards.

I took some of the above paragraph and re-stated it by making it specifically about being sexually self-aware, and came up with this:

When we focus our attention on ourselves (our sexual self, our sexual feelings and sensations in the moment, our sexual desires), we evaluate and compare our current behavior to our internal standards and values (do I really want to be doing this?  Is it fun for me?  Is it healthy for me?  Is it healthy for my partner?  Does it feel good?)

Various emotional states are intensified by (sexual) self-awareness.  However, some people may seek to increase their self-awareness through these (sexual and emotional) outlets (intense emotions are generally good things to be examined for sexual self-awareness).

People are more likely to align their (sexual) behavior (who they have sex with and how) with their standards (of quality, intensity, commitment or casual) when made sexually self-aware. 

Boiled down to a sentence: If you are sexually self-aware, you will act in alignment with what you truly want, and thereby be healthier and typically happier.

The most amazing thing I found on my journey of sexual self-awareness was that it is so much more intense to be my authentic self during sex than it was being locked in my own head, unaware of my real capabilities.  Just pretending to be my sexiest self was not the same as being my authentic Sexual Beast.  

Know thyself!  If you don't know yourself, get to work on that.  You will love it, I promise you.  How do you know yourself?  Start by not fearing what you will find.

Sexual Self-Awareness, part 1

I have not had much luck finding reading material about the topic of sexual self-awareness.  I learned the concept from my husband and from hearing or reading other extremely sexual people talk about it in their own lives.  But there doesn't seem to be much written about the concept, so I decided to give it some space on my blog.

It seems like the term should have an obvious meaning, like "to be aware of your sexual self".  And yes, it is kind of that simple, but many of us are not so simple to get to know.  Even by ourselves.

One of the first times I asked my husband what makes him such a great lover, he replied “I’m just self-aware.  I know what I like.”  When I heard this, I thought to myself “but doesn’t everyone know what they like?”

It turns out, not always.  

People don’t always have full awareness of their own sexual self, their own abilities and true desires, their own potentials.  Not that this is a bad thing necessarily…not everyone wants to explore their sexual selves, some people just aren’t that sexual and have no reason to go there.  Or like myself, I did want to know myself sexually but I held myself back for a variety of reasons for much of my life.

Some of my own sexy ideas actually scared me!  When I had them all just locked up in my own head, I couldn’t actually test any of them out.  I had to bring these inner desires out into a relationship and express them with a partner to find out how I actually felt about them.

Some of the things in my head I was afraid to actually try to enact.  But I didn't even know why I was scared or what I was afraid of, until I started looking within.

Why do I want to have rough sex?

What does it mean about me?

Am I damaged goods?

Where would the desire to be shaken by the shoulders and shoved up against a wall have come from?  Does this mean I am a violent person?  WTF?

But alongside feelings of wanting to be roughed up, I also feel very powerful...sexually powerful.  I have always been very sexual and I feel a strong sexual power within myself.  Before I gained some sexual self-awareness, I couldn't direct and use my own power very reliably.  I was also kinda afraid of that power.  Where did THAT come from?  What does it mean about me?  By whose agency do I have this sexual power, since I know so little about it, it can't really be mine, can it?

To know myself, I had to handle and play with my own power and get a feel for it.  I hadn't done that yet at the time I met my husband.
However, he was already sexually self-aware.  He knew what he liked and didn’t like because he had experienced enough sexual circumstances to know himself.

When you are self-aware, you can deliberately choose to engage in the sexual experiences you enjoy the most.  Not that you will not still explore new territory, but it is like having a map of yourself to help you on your sexual journeys.  You can still surprise yourself, even when you are self-aware and have a good map!

We always keep expanding.  There are always new areas of the self to explore.  But having a map helps everyone.


Being Sexually Self-aware implies that you:

Are not suppressing your own sexual desires.

Have experienced your authentic sexual self, your Sexual Beast (or Butterfly).

You understand your own body and how to work it.

You are sexually well balanced and self-validated.

You are confident in what you want because you know you are able to achieve it.


It actually took me quite a lot of time to become sexually self-aware after I met my husband.  Our new sex life was incredible and intense.  It was at times completely overwhelming.  It stirred up emotions in me that I had to deal with before I could even address some repression issues.  My sex life with him created an emotional laboratory in my head.

But this turned out to be just what I needed because I was able to examine myself and find out why I wasn’t very self-aware.  Why and where was I holding myself back from being more free and more myself?

For some people, sexual self-awareness is easy and natural and they have always had it.  For me, I had some self-learning to do first.  So I read a lot of books.  I kept trying to find myself, or the keys to undoing myself, or whatever.  How do you search externally for an answer about yourself?  I read some good stuff about being authentic during sex.  That was a curious thought…being authentic.

I began examining myself closer during sexual moments.  I began asking myself questions like:

How do I authentically feel about this or that act while we are doing it?  Is it pleasurable?  Uncomfortable?  Wonderful?  Would my expression right now reflect my feelings accurately to my lover?

If I am physically uncomfortable but I’m outwardly expressing enjoyment, am I being in-authentic?

What sensations are my body authentically feeling at this moment?  What does my body authentically want to do right now in response to this sexual stimulus?

When I close my eyes and throw my head back, am I doing this out of an authentic feeling of being swept away by sexual feelings and emotions…or am I doing it because I think it will look sexy to my partner?

(I hope I look hot!)

By examining myself sexually, I found out how to allow myself to be truly swept away in a sexual moment.  The kind where my eyes roll back in my head and I go limp.  I just let go of any "control" of these actions and I let the sexual energy take me over.  I know now how to be my real self, following my real desires and responses.

Examining my authentic responses and desires led me to sexual self-awareness.  And that led me to some rockin' good sex.  Yeah, baby!

This topic is continued in my next post, 24. Sexual Self-Awareness, part 2