Saturday, March 29, 2014

Enthusiastic Consent Forms

We are becoming a sex positive society...finally! The US is changing rapidly into a place where safe sex can happen freely between consenting adults, without shame and fear flung at us from all sides.

We are learning that with enthusiastic consent, the personal sexual possibilities for us are endless.

But there are still some holdouts to the idea of enthusiastic consent, and to sex positive practices and beliefs.

For one thing, there are people who don't want to give up their own shame and fear because they believe it is the only thing that stops them from rampantly screwing everyone.

There are people who don't want to bother  with getting someone's enthusiastic consent.

There are people who would rather seduce someone than get their consent, and there are people who would rather be seduced than give enthusiastic consent.  I have heard this from both men and women.  The argument from these people is that the sexual buzz of the seduction process would be halted if words were spoken as to each other's intentions...and then all the sexual steamy goodness would poof out, never to be regained, apparently.  In other words, it would be a boner killer.

Consent is decidedly un-sexy to some people.

I get the gist of that idea.  But the world has to change.  In order to end rape culture and promote sex positive culture, everyone will need to stop what they are doing and get and give enthusiastic consent in any first sexual encounter with another person.

If the only reason you can come up with for not getting and giving enthusiastic consent is that it would "kill the mood", then you just need to learn how to have more control over your own sexual responses so you can get it up again after you stop to get and give consent.

You may not be old enough to remember this, but there was a time when people did not regularly wear condoms.  When the original campaigns for safer sex with condoms were introduced, a huge percentage of the population did not want to agree to condom use on the same basis as those who don't want to get enthusiastic consent...that it would be a boner killer to have to stop and put on a condom, and also due to the reduced sensitivity condoms cause.

But that argument didn't stand and it still doesn't now.  Safer is better, even if not more physically pleasurable.  Pleasure must come secondary to safety and consent.

We can't promote the idea of enthusiastic consent while still saying "but it turns me on to have someone push my boundaries!"  I totally agree that having your boundaries pushed can be a turn on.  But even to have your boundaries pushed, if you want to be part of ending rape culture, you need to be able to at least verbally give your consent to having your boundaries pushed.

By being in control of our bodies, their responses and their actions, yes there may be brief moments where the blood stops flowing to our genitals while we shift some of it back to our brain so we can discuss our true intentions before we go any further sexually.

The minimal moment of discomfort we might feel is the price we *all* need to pay so that we can *all* be more sex positive and safer.

What Kinksters Already Know...

...is that enthusiastic consent is the key that allows you the ability to experience all of your sexual needs and fantasies.  Without enthusiastic consent, you can't get all the way there.  It is really that simple.  Speaking for myself as a kinky person, I enjoy the feeling of being slammed up against a wall.  I also enjoy pretending to struggle and run away from my husband while he pretends to be a cave man who chases me through the house, surely intending to violently rape me.  This is possible for us to enjoy safely because we have a Blanket Enthusiastic Consent Agreement between us.

Anything goes.  We know and trust each other completely and because of this, we can pretend there is non-consent and then feel the rush that comes with being seduced...or dragged by the hair.  Now that we have each other's consent, we can focus on our pleasure and arousal, even from having our boundaries pushed and screaming "no, stop, don't!"  Because we both know, none of those are our real safe words.  Tee hee!

He or I can change our minds and opt out of any specific sexual engagement for any reason if we choose to.  But we each have the other's consent to try for and ask for literally anything sexually.

Let's Just Get It In Writing

Consent between first time partners is different than consent between committed partners, and it is different than consent between poly partners.  To handle the various types and uses for getting and giving consent, I propose that people use an Enthusiastic Consent Form that is signed by both parties before any sexual activity can occur.

There can be forms for casual or first time sexual encounters.  And a different form for an on-going sexual relationship after that first time.

A different form for encounters between sex workers and clients.

A different form between poly or monogamous couples, that states their boundaries or rules of their relationship between themselves and others.

Still another form for a negotiated kink relationship and what will be involved and what safe words are used.

Every form should have in the language that any person can change their mind and say "no" to stop any sexual activity at any point along the way.

I know there are many problems with the forms I'm proposing and executing them during sexual moments might be very difficult.  There are also issues of privacy that could be compromised by putting your name on a form admitting you engaged in sex with a certain person or persons.  Even if enthusiastic and consenting, a sexual person may not want a recorded form of certain events.

I can also see how these forms could be easily faked, duplicated, altered, names changed, they could be used to shame or blackmail people...yes, there are problems with it.

But there are ways around these potential problems with the forms.  The sex positive community is creating a new era.  Signed legal consent would be a good thing, if it could be executed properly and privately.  It might not be needed in all circumstances.  But if there is any question at all, why not whip out a form to show you are both truly consenting?

As radical as my idea might sound, I know that most sex positive people would be happy to make each other safer and to know they are not crossing boundaries without someone's consent.  To end rape culture, I think we all need to do our part, and if that means getting it in writing so there are no misunderstandings, then let's go there.

If you want to be seduced and not have to stop and use your words to give further consent step by step as a heavy make out session escalates...then before you even start, hand them your signed Enthusiastic Consent Form that says they have your consent to attempt to seduce you.  You can check the box that says "if I withdraw my consent at any point, I will stop and say so explicitly".

The (so-called) Seduction Community

There are some in the so-called Seduction Community who totally understand enthusiastic consent and how it is used and why it is necessary.  For sex positive people, seduction *can be* consensual.

But there are others in that community who don't want to get consent specifically because they don't think it will be given if they ask.  There is a whole community full of people (mostly hetero men, but some women) who have no intention of trying to get consent because they understand that if you have to stop and think about it, you might withdraw your implied consent and just say no.

This is one of the ways that rape culture endures.  Any argument that includes the idea that you need to keep escalating sexual activity and keep boundary pushing in order to have sex with someone is a Big Red Flag and it usually means the person using this argument knows they may not get consent if they ask for it.

The Pick Up Community makes up the biggest part of the so-called Seduction Community, because you see, they want to change their image.  They know that they have been mocked and dragged out in the media, so they want to change the focus from Pick Up to Seduction.

I think this is a sad thing for the word seduction, which can be such a wonderful human experience.  Now the word is being used to describe the process by which one goes about avoiding asking for enthusiastic consent.

In the so-called Seduction Community, there is an awful lot of denial that rape culture exists, and there are a lot of (mostly hetero male) people saying that false rape accusations are filed rather frequently.

I do not doubt that false rape accusations occur, and when they do, this is a tragic thing that hurts everyone involved.

However, my signed Enthusiastic Consent Forms would also stop false rape accusations.  So I would think the so-called Seduction Community would be all for the forms!  Yet, they are the least likely to want to use these forms, even though they claim to be the highest group of victims of false rape accusations.  The "Don't Be That Girl" campaign is proof of this silly circular thinking.

A Word On The Word Enthusiastic

In the effort to end rape culture, the use of the word enthusiastic together with consent is meant to distinguish a weak or coerced "ok, I guess" from an enthusiastic "YES, I want to do this!"

There is a little bit of confusion about it though, and I want to make it clear where I stand on enthusiasm and what it means in this discussion.

Enthusiasm is related to the intent of the consent giver.  It does not speak about the state of arousal or desire of the consent giver.

The consent giver may indeed be highly sexually aroused and pleased to give consent.  But they may not necessarily be aroused, and still may want to give enthusiastic consent.

Our intention to willingly engage in sexual behavior is what giving enthusiastic consent means, to me.  There is a distinction here that needs to be made.  There are many reasons we engage in sexual behavior, and they aren't all about our own pleasure or arousal.  Though pleasure and arousal are certainly what most people want to get out of sex, some just don't and never will, yet will continue to have enthusiastic sex because that is their intention.

In doing some research for this blog post, I came across this amazing article by a sex worker, that has a fascinating discussion in the comments below:  "Getting Away" with Hating It: Consent in the Context of Sex Work.

Her position is that she is not necessarily aroused or desirous of the paid sex work she has, and is not enthusiastic about having the sex.  Yet she is enthusiastic about her chosen work.

So the word enthusiastic does carry some problems with it if we try to make it be about desire.  That's why we need to use the word to describe intent instead.

A person might feel a high amount of arousal and enthusiastic desire, yet still may not give their consent to engage in sexual behavior.  If we want to remove language like "but I though he/she was consenting because he/she was so turned on!" from those who still promote rape culture (whether deliberately or not) then let's just sign the damn forms and make the point that all of us need to be able to state our real intentions when it comes to sex.  

Do not try to interpret a person's sexual responses as whether or not they give enthusiastic consent to sexual engagement.  Sign a form!  Or at least use your words.

I will create some draft forms of Enthusiastic Consent Forms and attach them to this post later.  For now, I wanted to just float this idea.  I am sure that the problems this type of form could create will be less than the problems this type of form could correct.

This idea may not be ready to implement, but can we at least start a discussion about it?  How can we do better at stating enthusiastic consent and asking for it?

The only way my husband and I are able to play all the kinky wild sex games we love is because we both enthusiastically consent to every step of the process.  It is the key that makes everything and anything sexually possible!  

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Highly Sexual Females

The first Highly Sexual Female
I became aware of:
Pinky Tuscadero
I explained a bit about what it is like to be a Unicorn on this previous post: Sensitivity Training: Unicorns DO Exist!

In my case, I am a Unicorn because I am a highly sexual female.

My husband is a Unicorn because he is a Sex God.

There are other mythical creatures running around in the sexual jungle, too.

But the point of my Unicorn post was this: These mythical beings aren't actually that rare.  In fact, we are fairly common.

Here's my Sexual Proclivity Scale again:

I talked about how I came up with this scale and described the levels on these posts:

Extremely Sexual People

Calibrating Your Sex-Dar

But most people can look at the scale above and know where they are on it.  The scale measures "how sexual" you are.  Which is a very vague way to describe proclivity, but that is the only way I have heard highly sexual people themselves say it.  They generally say "I'm just a very sexual person" to describe themselves.

Other very sexual people will usually nod and understand exactly what this means.

Given my habit of annoying all my friends and acquaintances with probing questions about their sex lives, I end up hearing from people on all levels of the scale.  I also read online forums and message boards where people talk about their sex lives. Over the years, I have come to an understanding about sexuality and the desire for sexual contact that I want to share.  I think there is something missing in the current discussions about it which can be summed up like this....

Highly Sexual Females are so much more common than most people assume.

Betty Rizzo, from Grease
Many people assume that all men are highly sexual (which is also erroneous and that's why I did a blog post review of this book: Challenging Casanova ).

But they don't assume women are as sexual as men are in general, and they definitely see men as the pursuers of sex and women as the gate keepers of sex.  And while there are plenty of reasons why women need to tend to their own gate (burden of pregnancy, etc), the fact is that there are so many women who are more sexual than the average man.

Some men just aren't that sexual.  This is something a lot of people don't seem to discuss, even though these men themselves will discuss it.  Just like people who are highly sexual will describe themselves with "I'm just a very sexual person", people who aren't that sexual will describe themselves with "I'm just not that sexual, sex isn't that important to me".  I find men like this in all walks of life, among the general population.  There is nothing wrong with them.  Not being that sexual does not always occur due to trauma or dysfunction.  People have a base line level of how sexual they are naturally, and most people know themselves and know what this level is.

I've known men who aren't that sexual in my romantic/sex life, and also in my daily life.  Being a highly sexual female, I know how I am viewed by these men.

They tend to not be into me.  They don't want to date me.  They tend to understand it would not be a good match to be in a relationship with me.

This is different than what the general population might guess, right?  Most people would assume that a man who wasn't that sexual would be happy to get with a woman who was very sexual.  They think he would want to learn how to be more sexual from the woman.
Lois, on Malcolm in the Middle

But "learning to be more sexual" is not something a person who isn't that sexual would value.  A person's lower level of proclivity is not some kind of temporary state he or she should want to get rid of.  In general, men are assumed to be highly sexual or to be striving to be highly sexual.  But this simply isn't true.  Not all men are like that.  (NAMALT)

On the other end of this general idea is the assumption that women aren't horny little walking chick boners.  People don't generally think that about women.  But some of us are walking chick boners!  I wrote about my own experience with this on this post: Feeding Your Frankenstein

This type of thinking is changing with the times as studies are showing that women are not naturally monogamous (as people used believe, for no scientific reason at all) and that women are using more and more porn (as social norms are changing and it is free and readily available to everyone in the privacy of their own homes) and other indications that women are more sexual than people previously believed.

I am a dating coach and one of the things I will ask new clients is "How sexual are you?  How important is sex in a relationship to you?"

You might assume that everyone says "Oh, sex is VERY important, one of the most important things of all!"

But they don't.  A lot of people say some version of "Well, of course it is important, but it is not the most important part of a relationship to me by far."

Elaine, from Ally McBeal
People of all genders vary a lot on how sexual they are, when asked.  It should not be assumed that because a person is male he is highly sexual, or that because a person is female she isn't as sexual as a male.  These assumptions cause a lot of problems in overall understanding of sexuality.

In order to understand highly sexual people, we need to understand less sexual people.  We need to accept people as they are.

If someone doesn't fit a mold you want them to fit, please don't try to change them.  We all need to be accepted so we can stop shaming and blaming each other and understand that our differences in these areas are something we can work with instead of against.

If you aren't that sexual, you most likely will not be happy in a relationship with someone who is a lot more sexual than you are, and this goes for all monogamous relationships and all sexual orientations.  Men who aren't that sexual who end up with a partner who is extremely sexual, usually are not happy men.  A sexual mismatch in a monogamous relationship will almost always cause problems.

Highly sexual females are not a good match for a lot of people.  I would estimate that at least half of the dating market that is available to any highly sexual woman would not be a good sexual match for her.
Marge Simpson,
Highly Sexual Cartoon Babe

When guys see another guy "getting all the girls" I think usually what is happening is that they are seeing two highly sexual people who found each other and got together (even if only for one night).

Highly sexual people tend to need to couple up with other highly sexual people.  Moderately sexual people tend to be happiest when they are coupled up with each other.  Again, a sexual mismatch will always cause problems in a monogamous relationship.

If you are in a sexually mismatched monogamous relationship now or ever have been in one, then you know what I mean.

I do want to clarify something.  If you are moderately or not very sexual, this doesn't mean you can't have excellent sex.  Highly sexual people do not necessarily have "better" sex than anyone else.  So if you aren't that sexual, you still might have mind blowing sex.  Your level on my Sexual Proclivity Scale says nothing about your talents, your experience, or your potential for intimacy.  I just wanted to make that clear.  Many people I know who are self described as "not that sexual" have some really great sex.

There is an idea floated around that if you aren't that sexual, then you must be repressed.  That there is something wrong with you and that you have dysfunction somewhere, somehow in your body or your experience.  I disagree strongly with this notion.  Over the years, I have heard from so many people who just sincerely are not that sexual (or who are asexual) and these people need to be recognized as natural and normal and part of the continuum of sexuality.  These people are also sometimes very sexual in their behavior, even if not naturally very sexual by their base line level of proclivity.

So let's be real and accept everyone as they are.  Let's not assume anything about "how sexual" a person is based on gender or orientation or age or anything else.  With this understanding in mind, I think people who want to be in monogamous relationships can avoid ending up sexually mismatched with someone.  Always look for your sexual match!

This is all part of my agenda...

As a highly sexual female, I'm writing this blog post to ask to be accepted as normal, and for it to be understood there are more of us than most people probably suspect.  We aren't Unicorns and we aren't rare.  Although it is flattering to be thought of that way, it is not accurate to label highly sexual females as Unicorns as a group.

However...I'll keep wearing my Unicorn wig anyway!  Because I am still a Freak, even if not a Unicorn.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Orgasm: Dental Floss for Her Mental Health

This is my first guest blog post by my fierce, foxy friend, Easy Vixen.  It is a piece about women's orgasm from or during partnered sex (versus during masturbation).  She is speaking from a hetero female perspective.  Enjoy!  

Orgasm: Dental Floss for Her Mental Health, by Easy Vixen

Studies show that only 49% of the US population flosses their teeth every day, and other studies show that one in three women have difficulty reaching an orgasm reliably. Flossing your teeth regularly plays a major role in dental health just as having satisfying orgasms regularly plays an important role in physical and mental health.

Chances are that every time a patient sits in the dentist’s chair they are asked about flossing habits yet at the ripe old age of 51, I have never ever been asked how reliably I reach an orgasm by any doctor I’ve ever seen, ever. 

After visiting most dentists’ office most patients leave with a new tooth brush and a packet of floss along with instructions. Wouldn’t it be nice to leave your doctor’s office with a vibrator and a small tube of lube?

Ask any sexually active woman, of any age, in any culture, if they have ever had sex without having an orgasm; they will laugh and say “of course!”

But when one out of three of these women would also report that not having an orgasm is more reliable than having an orgasm, I think this indicates that we as parents, educators, mental health professionals and medical doctors are falling down on the job.

So what’s the deal? Why don’t we hear the occasional probing question about our ability to orgasm from our doctors? It is mostly because managed health care leaves very little time for doctors to ask these kinds of questions, as a result the patient is expected to discover for themselves if this is a problem for them and how to solve it.

The Most Common O-Blockers for Her

We’ve all heard that the biggest sex organ is the brain, but what does that really mean? Simply put, her mind must be emptied of negative interfering thoughts while actively embracing sexually arousing, emotionally loving thoughts.

Negative thoughts are absolute orgasm killers.

Do I smell bad? Is my body/appearance good enough? These are examples of negative thoughts most women have at some point in their lives. A negative body image dampens arousal and makes orgasm very difficult to achieve, because instead of focusing on the good things happening the woman focuses on what she doesn’t like about her body and then projects those feelings onto her partner. 

If she thinks the walls are white, her partner can obviously see that the walls are white too, right? If she thinks her boobs are too small, she thinks her partner thinks they’re too small. If she thinks she has a goofy looking face during an orgasm, she thinks her partner thinks she has a goofy looking face during orgasm. It’s as plain as the overly large pores on her nose that if she notices something, her partner also sees it or is just being polite by pretending not to see it or not be bothered by it.

Your scent or your appearance may not match those crazy neurotic thoughts of perfection you have in your head, but that doesn’t mean your partner agrees with you.

The next time you’re getting busy and your brain yells “Not that position, you can see my whole butt!” Tell your brain to shut up already! Tell your brain that your partner loves what they see and your scent.

“Oh sure,” you say, “Let’s just solve world hunger while we’re at it!” Yes, this does take some work but since you don’t actually need to enlist the help of governments, rebel armies, or philanthropic deep pocket contributors, you are already more than half way there! You have control over what thoughts you wish to focus on, so push out the thoughts that make you feel badly about yourself and replace them with hot sexy thoughts.

This is where your partner can assist, but the work is yours to do. Hearing your partner’s appreciation for your luscious body or your delicious and utterly intoxicating female scent is a great help…(ahem, partners).

If your partner lacks the talent for poetic praise, give it to yourself. If your brain can tell you all sorts of nasty things about yourself, then it can also tell you all sorts of lovely things about yourself.

Don’t let your brain be the snotty bitch from middle school that tore you down and made you feel like dirt. Make your brain be your BFF who appreciates and loves you for who you are!

Porn is to real sex as Vampire Diaries is to real high school.

Since we do a lousy job of preparing our children to have happy healthy sexual relationships, some women and a lot of men turn to porn to figure things out and learn how to have sex. 

As a result, they develop the notion that to be a good sex partner they have to have the right moves, the right looks, make the right sounds, and behave like what they have seen in porn.

Porn is not real, it’s a show. Just like The Vampire Diaries, in which there is a group of young people engaged in drama and sometimes the setting includes a school, a football team and a cheerleader; it doesn’t give an accurate depiction of what real high school is like. Porn involves naked people touching each other in visually arousing ways leading to a climax.

Real sex involves real feelings, not scripted roles with scripted moves and sounds. Real good sex involves really good feelings about yourself and about your partner and about what is happening in the moment.

The key word here is REAL. If your partner isn’t touching you the way you like, keeping in mind your partner isn’t a mind reader, you’re going to have to let them know how you do like to be touched.

For a lot of women this is as difficult as replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. If you have ever asked for a back scratch, you know right where you need it and you say, “Higher, lower, lighter, harder, faster, slower… Oh yeah there! That’s it!” The person scratching your back doesn’t know where the itch is so you must guide them. The person touching your body sexually also can’t feel what you’re feeling so you must guide them.

Real sex also involves real inexperience. Whether that is inexperience with sex in general, inexperience with this particular partner, or inexperience with this particular sex toy. Maybe you don’t know what kinds of touches will result in the ultimate climax; the only way to find out is to try different touches in different places. Real sex is explorative, even if you have loads of experience and can orgasm easily, there is always something new and different to explore so communication about what feels good is vital.

Are we there yet?

Some women orgasm easily and others don’t.  Just the way it is. Women who require more time and stimulation to get there can sometimes feel that they are boring their partners, forcing their partners to herculean efforts, aggravating their partner’s carpel tunnel syndrome.

There are several things happening here and each woman has to figure out for herself how to get around this issue.  Again, this calls for repackaging those negative thoughts. You could explain to your partner that you are like a batch of fudge that requires stirring and stirring for the rich and creamy smoothness to reach its conclusion; fudge paddle optional.

There can also be an issue involving a lack of sufficient arousal to climax. Some women get wet thinking about sex and by the time the first touch happens she’s ready to holler “Amen”. Other women need more indirect means of arousal mechanisms before the first touch happens such as having a glass of wine and intimate conversation, having some candlelight, soft music and slow dancing.

If you need more of these indirect arousal cues, it’s your responsibility to figure out what works for you AND to communicate that to your partner whether it is sexy and suggestive text messages, flirty leers, or naughty sneaking gropes as you sit down for dinner.  You may need a continual stream of messages and gestures that ask you to Keep Sex On Your Brain to get your juices flowing in the right direction.

Do you love me? Am I worthy? Do you desire me?

This is a couple’s problem as much as it is a woman’s problem. The woman has to know for herself what makes her feel loved and desired and she must feel worthy of receiving her partner’s love and desire. This is intrinsic to all healthy relationships. If she knows that being carried to the bedroom is something that will have her panting before the first button is undone, she needs to tell her partner this. If having your partner tell you how beautiful you are as your clothing is being removed makes you feel loved and desired, your partner
needs to know this.

We all feel love differently. Feeling loved, desired and being able to trust our partner are all vital ingredients to reaching an orgasm for the vast majority of women.

 So ladies, identify your O-blockers, and then work to rid yourself of them. Re-train your brain to stop telling you negative things when you are trying to get your sexy on, and instead make it tell you that you are fabulous. Identify the things your partner can do that help you be in the right mental space to have orgasms and then communicate these things.

Cut down on sweets, floss every day and have regular reliable orgasms, all for your own good health!  Can I get an Amen?

(response from Marie: oh yesss sister, A-MEN!)

Monday, March 10, 2014

Slaves to Love

My husband and I have something that is kind of like a consensual sex slave agreement.  If you know anything about consensual sex slavery kink between a couple, then you know that usually one is the master and the other is the slave.

We do things quite a bit differently than that.  Neither of us is the master of the other.  It is hard enough to be the master of myself, I couldn't possibly master him.  And he doesn't try to master me, either.

We are both slaves, though.  But not slaves to each other.  Here is how it works...

Slaves to Love

I know it sounds corny, but we are both slaves to the sexual and romantic Love that has us all wrapped up in Its warm, fuzzy goodness.

Our Love is extremely possessive and it requires our complete faithfulness.

Because of this, we both willingly give up our nature given right to have sex with anyone else.  We know that monogamy is a choice, and that non-monogamy is another choice we could make.  But our Love tells us "No, my dears...you shall not share yourselves with others" and we both answer "yes, Love, as you wish."

Early in our relationship, Love made it clear to us that It required monogamy from us.  It told us that we were required to step up our game and learn how to be faithful completely.  As individuals, neither my husband or I had ever fully submitted to Love before we met.  We had felt it, but it was not our Master.  Neither of us had ever submitted *anything* before, for that matter.  Neither of us are submissives.

When we figured out that we needed to make Love our master and agreed to Its terms, we both had to learn real submission, and learn it fast.  It wasn't very easy for either of us.  We were so madly in love and felt an incredible pull toward each other (that we still feel now).  But that pull didn't necessarily make us want to be completely faithful.

When you are naturally pretty slutty like my husband and I both are, you don't like to have your sexual freedoms imposed on.  I'm not even sure either of us really knew what being totally faithful meant when we first got together.

In order to learn, we had to become Slaves to our Love.  Not slaves to each other, because that is a different level of slavery.  We can both be kinda bossy versus dominant, and we aren't really good Masters in the kink sense of the word.  We are both pretty resistant to being told what to do, too...so neither of us make a good slave in the usual sense.  Slavery is not either of our kink.

But our Love is never bossy.  When Love is your Master, you get instructions that you are able to follow, and you don't feel resentful of those instructions, you feel blessed to be given them and you enjoy following them.

You find yourself saying "Yes Love, how may I serve you better?" like a real slave should.

I am the Master of My Body

We are not each other's master, Love is our master...but we are both the Masters of our own bodies.

When you have to be on lock down all the time in order to stay fully monogamous, it requires a lot of self-discipline.  As I said in this post about Hardcore Monogamy, my body never agreed to this monogamy deal, nor does it agree to any type of slavery.  My mind is where I can make consensual agreements and decisions, but my body will not follow my decisions on its own.  That is where self-discipline comes in.

And when you are super kinky, you can get sexual experiences out of things that are not necessarily sexual acts.  For me, learning and using self-discipline is a sexual experience.  It makes me horny, actually.  It keeps me amped up and excited for sex with my husband.  It keeps me on edge and delays gratification for long periods of time.  I like feeling deprived, it is just a thing with me.

Of course, I am not really deprived, I am actually given an abundance of sexual attention and experiences.

But my body tells me it is deprived anyway...because it never agreed to this slavery or monogamy.

My body wants to instigate sexual situations that aren't part of my monogamous agreement with my husband, so I must discipline myself and my body.

Sometimes I slip up and I get punished...or well, my naughty, slutty, body that refuses to be enslaved gets punished.

This is all part of the fun for me.

I find it fun and a sexual high to follow our very strict Rules of Conduct.

One of the strictest rules we have is that we don't watch porn without each other.  Watching porn is definitely a sexual act for me.  I don't have to masturbate for it to be a sexual act.  Further than that, simply seeing naked people can be a sexual act for me, too, so not just movie porn but simple nude pics will strike me the same way.  I like the feeling very much, and I actually crave seeing naked bodies sometimes (which is a natural occurrence for many human beings).

That's when discipline is hard and but also...fun.  I like being deprived like this.  While it is happening, what I'm thinking is "gosh, I really want to click that link but I know it will be a bunch of boobs and I'm not allowed to go off having sexual experiences without my hubby... so must wait...can't click...wait, girl, wait..."

This puts me in a state of waiting and denial.  These are the types of states that many slaves get off on, so maybe it will make a little sense on that level.  I'm only allowed to do what falls into our rules...and that means, if I want to look at porn or naked bodies, I have to get my husband and ask him to join me in this.

My husband is excellent at so many various aspects of kink, but specifically at self-discipline, partner discipline, and delayed gratification.

So usually when I ask him if we can watch some porn or to look at some boobs with me, he doesn't just jump up and say "heck yes!"...no, instead, he usually calls me a slut and puts on some kind of degradation routine.

Which I love, actually.  Kink is very complicated.

He will say "Some porn, huh?  What's gotten into you, Slutina?  Sounds like you need a beating.  What kind of porn did you have in mind?"  Usually he is chasing me down to throw me over his shoulder at the same time.

And if he is the one to suggest some porn, I usually come back with something similar.

I'm such a whore...
"Some porn, huh?  You whore!  Sure, let's go get some...put me on your back and let me ride you like a horse while we go look at our video collection, giddyap!" as I run toward him and mount him.

We are not anti-porn, we are just pro-deprivation and degradation.  Tee hee!

Love as a master, is very understanding but completely strict.  

Love ain't playing around and doesn't allow us to take any shortcuts.  I literally never break any of our rules, because I want to please my master so much that I can't even think of it.  If I mess up, it is never on purpose. 

Please don't think that I feel any other relationship has to have love, monogamy or slavery.  I'm only blogging about myself, and I'm very love and sex positive about all other relationship configurations, too!  But in all my reading, I haven't read any other kinky love story quite like ours, so that's why I'm sharing it.  I am just one of millions of sexually happy people in a kinky lifestyle, so I am reporting what I've learned and seen.  My experience has been heavenly.   

In return for us following the rules Love laid out for us, we've been blessed with a smokin' hot sex life and an amazing level of intimacy and romantic love for 10 years straight now.

Love has led us to depths within us we never knew were possible before.

Through our lifestyle kink of extreme monogamy, as dictated by our Master, we feel we've finally found the specific type of love/kink bliss we've both been seeking our whole lives.

If you are considering a consensual slave agreement, I highly recommend being a Slave to Love...