Sunday, July 27, 2014

Love Your Sexy Self

I feel so beautiful and sexy right now, more than ever before in my life.

I’m currently tanning for an upcoming trip.  My skin tone is amazing.  I only have tan lines around my very, very skimpy bikini bottoms…so even the shape of my tan lines is suggestive and sexy.  I am fit and very shapely.  I have never really been turned on by looking at myself naked before, but now I can’t get enough of me!

My husband accuses me of standing around naked in front of a mirror, getting off on myself all the time.  He says it is like cheating because I’m so hot it's like getting a personal live porn show.  

When we first got into a relationship and he said things like that, I just laughed him off, and I didn’t really want to look at myself that way anyway.  But now I agree with him.  I’m freaking hot as hell and I want to see my body move into different sexy poses.  I want to see my breasts and ass and all the rest of me.  I do love giving myself a live porn show!

I’m bisexual, so I have always enjoyed seeing women’s naked bodies posing and moving and gyrating.  But I didn’t get off on my own image like that when I was younger.  I would do some sexy moves in a mirror, but it was just to see if I looked silly or sexy.  It was to see how I might look to a partner.  I didn’t look at me to see a hot, sexy woman’s naked body…I looked at me to scrutinize myself for flaws.  

It seems like I couldn't "allow" myself to feel sexy unless I thought others would agree.  As if the title of being sexy was something only someone else could bestow upon you, or you could not declare yourself sexy without outside validation.  That was just silly thinking on my part.  Who the hell did I think it mattered to if I called myself sexy without someone else validating it?  The Sexy Police?

But now I do look at myself to see a hot and sexy woman.  I want pictures of me and video of me and I want to touch myself while I watch it.  And I don’t feel weird, ashamed or perverted about feeling this way.  It feels totally healthy to be turned on by myself, by my own beautiful body and the way I can move.  I realize my unhealthy attitudes about self-love in the past really held me back, and I suspect the same thinking holds back a lot of people.

Ever since I've been able to really get off on my own sexiness by looking at my body, another new door to pleasure has opened up.  I've started to really enjoy touching my own skin, all over, anywhere on my body.  My whole epidermis seems to be an erogenous zone now.  I’ve always been a touchy feely person and I love to be touched by my husband anywhere on my skin, but touching my own skin myself never gave me a thrill of any kind.  It feels soooo incredible now!

My husband also has this type of self-love.  He is extremely sexual, and he loves his body.  He loves how it looks, moves, feels and he loves touching himself all over.  This is how he knows that getting off on your own image is like getting a live, personal porn show.  

Do you give yourself a sexy strip show every now and then?  If not, you should.  Try to love your body and be turned on by yourself.  It is an amazing feeling.  Overlook your flaws, and concentrate on your beauty and sexiness.  Dress or undress your body in ways that turn you on.  Allow yourself to feel and look sexy in your own eyes!  No one else's opinion of your sexiness really matters when it is just you and you.

This post is my campaign to ask everyone to Love Your Sexy Self for Better Sexual Health!  

Your body wants your love and it wants to love you back.  When you can achieve a healthy level of self-love and body awareness, your entire sex life will improve.  You can worship your lover’s body better if you learn to worship your own first!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Breast Antics

I have written before about what a boob man my husband is.  I really love that he is a boob man.

Since I met him, my breasts have never gone a day without being fully appreciated.

I realize that not every woman wants a partner who is always obsessed with her breasts, some women would find that very distasteful or annoying...or just "meh".

But I love it, I love being noticed by my husband, I love his hands on me, I love how lusty he is for me, I love that when his blood gets pumping it makes mine pump, too.  My direct line to his blood pumping faster is through his love of my breasts.

When he sees me walk into a room the first thing he does is check out what my boobs are doing.  He does it discreetly, imperceptibly almost.  He can even be appearing to look me right in the eye but he's using his peripheral vision to be scanning my breasts.

Breasts can get up to a lot of antics, really.  I always knew this but it was just a personal knowledge about my body.  Something to deal with (similar to dealing with testicles?)  It is a part of your body which can shift around, cause discomfort and look silly, all at once with no warning.

So you learn how to deal with it discreetly.  You learn to check out your boobs in the mirror before leaving the house, because not checking can lead to some embarrassing moments...like when one boob is half popped out of your bra and this fiasco is visible through your shirt.

But since being with my husband, the antics my breasts get up to are his business too, not just mine.  He notices everything, EVERY THING about my breasts.

Of particular interest are antics like the one I mentioned above, the half boob pop out stunt.  Heaven help me if he notices this before I do.  If he does, he will launch into a short monologue about how I must have been fondling myself "again" or was otherwise up to something naughty because girl A or girl B is trying to fly the coop.  Then he will move in and offer to put her back into her hammock for me.

The most obvious antics are the inexplicable nipple erections.  The ones that "just happen" out of nowhere.  As a woman you understand that these really don't mean anything.  But to my husband?  Every  nipple erection means I am literally calling out to him on a primal level.  He comes rushing to my "aid", because he says he can see that my nipples need immediate attention by the way they are standing there.

I typically wear thick bras that hide erect nipples...but every once in awhile in the right shadow and shirt you can see a hint of a very hard nipple through the thick bra.  If he notices this he will suddenly comment that I must really be very horny, because my nipples are literally tearing a hole through my bra with their force.

Then there is the whole range of things my breasts can get up to if I am bra-less.  I don't go bra-less a lot, so when I do it is most certainly noticed by him I-M-M-E-D-I-A-T-E-L-Y.

In fact, usually he simply can't hold the eye gaze facade and just stares right at my boobs and comes running toward me with his hands out in front of him if I enter the room bra-less.

He loves seeing how they look different in different bras, swim suits, shirts, and of course bare.  When breasts are bare, there is a wide range of things they can do based on how you are standing, bending, laying down...all the different shapes my breasts take in these different positions are fascinating to him and he discusses what he is seeing as if he is gazing at recently discovered treasure.

Sigh...swoon.  I love his constant harassment.  I get many comments from women readers saying "does he have a brother?" so I know many women reading this will get it.  It seems so dorky and insulting and middle school for him to be constantly scanning my breasts for any sign of change, just so he can sexually harass me about it.  But he does it so authentically, so lustfully, so joyously, and with so much fun sexy energy behind it, that I'm all on board with his juvenille game now, too.  I encourage it and get a lot of lusty fun out of it.

I'm not talking about the love and lust he has for my breasts during sex in this post.  The way he handles them during sex is fan-freaking-tabulous and a whole subject of its own!  But this post is just about the every day love, the daily gropings, and the discussions about what my breasts have been getting up to each day.  He is like their shepherd.  He says they might wander off if left unattended so he has to stay alert to their antics. That's my sex god.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

How Sexual Are You?

I have used my Sexual Proclivity Scale in several of my posts because I wanted to begin a discussion about how sexual  different people are.  Some people are more and less sexual than others, and there's a very wide scale of sexuality.  This seems obvious to say, but it is something that isn't usually looked at on a scale like the one I created.

I went looking for research or images to use for the discussion of the difference between highly sexual people and not-as-sexual people and literally found nothing.  I just found information suggesting that people are either sexual or asexual.  So I made up my Sexual Proclivity Scale for my own use, because there is a lot more variety than just sexual or asexual!

My scale is not scientific in any way...however...I know it is relevant and very useful and I've found that most people who see my scale immediately understand it.  Usually they will also know immediately where they themselves are on this scale.  (I invite anyone to share with me any research or information that examines "how sexual" people are, by the way.  I'd love to make my scale as accurate as possible based on real research, if there is any.).

Why Does it Matter How Sexual You Are?

It matters because the more self-aware you are about your own sexuality, the better chance you have at using that awareness to pursue your optimal sex life.

Generally speaking, you will have the best chance at having a fulfilling partnered sex life by choosing a partner who is at approximately the same level on the Sexual Proclivity Scale as you are.

Also generally speaking, a big mismatch in how sexual two people are can cause huge relationship issues...and divorce.

How sexual you are is a part of you.  You can't escape who you really are.  There are some people who go through some kind of hormonal or life change and this causes a big change in how sexual they are.  A good example of this is that many parents do not feel very sexual when they have young children, and many people do not feel very sexual when they are depressed.  But usually, if the parent or depressed person was highly sexual before the children or the depression, most likely they will return to their natural sexual proclivity of being highly sexual again eventually.

Most people stay in their same place on the scale for most of their lives, however.  Again, how sexual you are is part of you.  (However, in cases of sexual repression or trauma, the natural proclivity level may be masked or difficult to determine without therapy first.  In severe cases, an individual may not be able to realize their natural proclivity at all which is one of the most detrimental effects of sexual trauma).

You owe it to yourself to do some self-study and really know how sexual you are.  Do you think about sex often?  Hourly?  Daily?  Monthly?  Never?  Each of these answers is normal for some people.  Any answer is correct, as long as it is authentic.

Do you make your sex life a high priority?  Is it a higher priority than your job?  Your hobbies?  Your children's hobbies and lessons?  Television?  Again, a yes or no to any of these questions is someone's authentic answer.  You should know your own answers.

There's no best or preferable place to be on the Sexual Proclivity Scale.  More sexual is not better or worse than less sexual.  Everyone's true place on this scale should be honored and accepted.  We shouldn't try to change other people to be more or less sexual than they really are.  It really doesn't work, and it shows a misunderstanding of the wide range of human sexual potentials.

Although I am highly sexual, I have had the blessing of knowing many less sexual, gray sexual and asexual people.  This allowed me to really understand that my sexuality isn't better or more fulfilling than theirs is.  People who are lower on the Sexual Proclivity Scale (including asexual people) can have amazing sex lives which they cherish.  I wrote more about this topic in this blog post.

The quality of intimacy or sexual pleasure a person is capable of has nothing to do with how sexual they are.  A highly sexual person may be anorgasmic and an asexual person may be hyper orgasmic, for example.  A gray sexual person may be extremely kinky and a hyper sexual person may have no kink to them whatsoever.  An extremely sexual person may have had only one sex partner in their lifetime (I know people who married their high school sweetheart, and are still having sex like teenagers decades later), and a moderately sexual person may have lots of sex partners.  How sexual you are doesn't determine that kind of thing.

Awareness and Acceptance are Key

Understanding these differences between us helps us have empathy and accept each other.  There is so much pressure on all of us to "be someone"...whoever society and family believe you should be.  If they believe you should be a highly sexual person but you are not, you will feel pressured by the world to act in ways that are not natural to you.

Men are always assumed to be highly sexual.  But studies show that they are not, except for a very small percentage.

I wrote a book review that discusses this issue in this blog post.

On the other hand, women are assumed to be less sexual than men.  Since I am a highly sexual woman and I've found that I am more sexual than just about any man I've ever met (besides my husband), I feel pressured to not act as I really authentically want to act.  I feel pressure to conform to something that looks like I am less sexual than I really am.  I wrote about this topic in this blog post.

The more we become aware that assumptions about how sexual other people are isn't good and causes societal pressure, the more sex positive we will be.  Instead, we should focus on understanding our own natural level of sexual proclivity and on accepting each other's.

Sexual Mismatches = Not So Good

Self-aware people in the asexual community typically understand that if they partner with a sexual person, it is highly likely that both people will be unhappy eventually.  They may be able to work around the situation by making a conscious effort to meet each other's needs, but it will be very difficult.

Here's an AVEN Relationship FAQ article which discusses romantic relationships between sexual and asexual people and the difficulties that can arise.

Most people are not totally asexual, but many people are gray sexual, or just not very sexual.  People who aren't very sexual can go weeks, months or years without sex sometimes, and this is normal for them.  If you get into a relationship with someone who is at a lower level of sexual proclivity than you are, it is very likely you will not be very happy with your sex life.  Love doesn't tend to fix this type of thing.  It is unsolvable for many couples and causes a lot of divorce.

But two people who aren't that sexual can be very happy together and have a very fulfilling, vibrant, sex life.  So can two averagely sexual people, two highly sexual people, or two moderately sexual people.

I wish this was more understood.  I wish people who enter relationships could realize how difficult a sexual mismatch will be and that they should intentionally try to find good sexual matches for themselves, especially for long term relationships and marriage.  For casual sex and short term relationships, a sexual mismatch may not matter at all.  But when it does matter, it matters a lot.

Some couples can navigate a large sexual mismatch and still have a good sex life and still be happy.  And I'd like to give those couples a lot of kudos!  But I also want to caution that this is very rare.

So enjoy your natural level of sexual proclivity with a lover who is at approximately the same level as you are!  This is one of the biggest pieces to the success of my excellent married sex life and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We don't have to be perfectly in synch, and we definitely are not exactly the same as each other sexually.  Yet we are a match, not a mismatch.  That's the key.

Soon I will be creating a blog post that discusses more about the criteria I considered when creating the Sexual Proclivity Scale, and also a self-test for people, even though as I said most people know where they are on the scale just by looking at it.  But people love self-tests, so I just have to do one, because it's fun.  I will link it on this post when it is finished.

Thanks for reading!  Please share this post and help spread awareness and good sex lives.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

The Debate on Marriage

Marriage is on its way out.

Unless you are gay, and then marriage is on its way in, FINALLY.

I am married and I love being married.  I'm also strictly monogamous and I love that, too.  But I honestly don't think everyone should get married or want to be married, and not everyone should be monogamous.

I wanted to share my thoughts on marriage and monogamy in this dedicated post because from some angles, it would look like I'm ONLY pro-marriage and monogamy.  So I need to clear that up a bit because it is important to me that all sexual and romantic lifestyles are honored.

My own marriage is very troubled sometimes.  I don't have a perfect marriage (whatever that would look like).  No, I have a real marriage that is just as fragile as anyone else's.  Half of everyone married will be divorced, and my husband and I both have been previously married and divorced.  And hey guess what?  That means our chances of divorce are higher than first time married people's, our is something like a 67% divorce rate!

So the odds are against me and our marriage is very troubled sometimes and yet I'm not really afraid of divorce.  I feel I have the tools necessary to stay in love and stay married as long as we both choose it.  That's really the point.  We know we have a choice.

Even though our marriage is troubled sometimes, other times it is the type of marriage that my inner Princess child always dreamed of.

The sex, the romance, the love and commitment, the growth, the incredible intimacy we can achieve...in our best moments, my marriage is the SHIZZLE.

It is exactly all I always wanted and more than I ever thought was possible.

So that's us, as we are at this time.  Madly happy in a sometimes troubled marriage.  But I can see many other parallel lives for us that could be a lot different and still be just as wonderful and committed and intimate.  We could have chosen to be married but to live apart and still be monogamous and committed to each other, and that still sounds like a wonderful option sometimes.  We could have chosen to never be married, live apart, and just have a lovely companionship, dating and sexual relationship.

Before we met, my husband and I both had non-monogamous relationships.  We were both exposed to and participated in several different types of relationships that don't follow strict boy-girl marriage code.  I am glad that I have known many open minded and loving people that created their own rules for partnering with others.  I learned acceptance and understanding by knowing others and by my own relationship choices.

Marriage and monogamy are not the one and only way to achieve love, commitment and family.  At some points in our lives, we don't want love, commitment or family at all, we just want sex or just companionship or just friends.  All of these are variations of the ways we love and have sex with each other, and all are valid and healthy choices for us complex humans.

Of course, it has been an important cause for a long time that same sex marriage become legal.

In the US, as of right now it looks like all the states are falling over like dominoes and legalizing it one after the other.  For me this is a wonderful and welcomed time in history and it makes my heart so happy.  Any positive movement for any human rights is always good in my book.  Thank you world for coming along on this one.

There is a similar movement now for acceptance of all types of relationships and for acceptance of people who don't want marriage at all.  People feel pressure to be married and that isn't fair to them.  Here's a good recent article about this subject from Psychology Today:

The End of Marriage

I agree that we should stop asking single people when they are getting married, and we should stop assuming that all couples are monogamous, and we should stop putting any societal expectation upon each other.  Just accept each other's choices and accept your own ability to choose.

One thing I would like to ask the sex positive community to do is to honor monogamy as a healthy choice, too.  I sometimes come upon people who assume that if you are married and monogamous, you are not enlightened about the other choices you could be making.

Or like the one time I got twitter blasted by someone who was telling me that because I am for monogamy, I must also be Christian and that therefore I was the cause of many deaths in the name of my precious monogamy.  That really sucked.  Ok yes it was just a kooky twitter blaster...but it was also a person who feels they are sex positive and who is poly.

The tendency to group married monogamous people with conservative Christians isn't really fair.  Some of us married monogamous folks are old school poly freaks, just making different choices at different times in our lives!

Please never assume that a married or monogamous person is against non-monogamy.  If you want to know someone's position, make no assumptions first and simply ask their position.

I love having choices.  It makes us free to pursue our real desires, dreams and dramas.  I love that our future generations will not be forced into tiny boxes anymore because society is proving it can handle much more diversity than it did in the past.  And I love choosing the type of lifestyle that is best for my own fulfillment, and I love that you have that choice, too.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Body Awareness

Body Awareness is important for a good sex life.  In this post I will be talking about body awareness mostly as it relates to sexuality, but will mention how it affects other areas of our lives, too.

Sexually speaking, Body Awareness includes:

+Your body image, or how you see yourself.

+Knowing your body's capabilities and being able to use them to their fullest.

+Knowing your body's limits and being able to challenge them.

+Your mind-body connection.


Let's examine each of these!

Body Image

Body image is important in the physical and mental health communities because having a skewed or poor body image can lead to several health problems.  Here's a quote from a health center about why body image is an important health topic:

Why is body image relevant to our work on health? There are significant health impacts as a result of our thoughts, feelings and beliefs about our bodies. Body awareness includes the thoughts, perceptions, and feelings that we have about our bodies. We make meaning about the value of our bodies through our interactions with family, friends, and peers and our culture as well as through food and fashion industries and media. In these interactions, we receive both corrosive and resiliency promoting messages that influence our health. 

Consequences of poor body image can include: 
  • Fear of intimacy in sexual relationships; 
  • Avoiding participation in enjoyable movement; 
  • People can attempt to change or control their bodies by: 
    • Restrained eating; 
    • Abuse of anabolic steroids; 
    • Seeking cosmetic surgery; 
    • Using skin bleaching products; 
    • Preoccupation with food and eating; 
    • Continuing to smoke because afraid will gain weight if quit.
    (End of quote, and here's a link to where I got this quote:  Wardenburg Health Center)

    As you can see there are many health and wellness related reasons we want to have a good body image.  But the first bullet point on the list above under "consequences of poor body image can include" is "fear of intimacy in sexual relationships".

    Having a poor body image can literally shut down your sex life.  It can make you not want to get naked or have sex at all.  Your mind will over ride your body's urges for sex with anxiety about your body.  So this is why the body image part of body awareness is such a big deal.  I talked about this a little in my post Would You Do You?  

    In that post, I suggested that if poor body image was making your sex life suffer, you should work on that.  Get counseling, get a coach, read books about changing negative mental habits...whatever you have to do, learn to love how your body looks and you will get a better sex life out of it.

    There were years when I didn't really want to look at myself naked.  In order to see my body as sexy, I only wanted to see myself in the best lighting with the best lingerie in the poses where nothing was saggy or baggy and no battle scars were showing.  I've come a long way since then.  

    Now I love my body and I consider it sexy even in the worst lighting and in the most unflattering position possible.  How did I accomplish this?  

    Really it became a matter of just wanting to have better sex where I could relax and not worry about how I looked, and actually even love the way I look.  Knowing that my husband is honestly always attracted to me helped a lot.  But he also lead the way for me by having an excellent body image himself, even though he has flaws, too.  He showed me that you don't have to have a "perfect" body in order to allow yourself to love your own body.  

    So I learned that I can give myself permission to love my own body and how it looks.  It doesn't actually matter what it really looks like, I still am allowed to feel however I want to about it.  When I really integrated that fact into my thinking, I was then able to choose to love my body.  

    A reminder then...If you don't love your body and how it looks, you should work on that. I guarantee you that sex is more fun when you look down at your body while you're doing it and you feel beautiful!

    Knowing Your Body's Capabilities

    You have your own personal sexual capabilities that are related to your body and how it works.  Some people's bodies do not work the same as others.  We don't all get off the same way, we can't all bend the same way, we are not all the same size and shape.  Most of us start learning what our bodies are sexually capable of in our early years via masturbation, and we continue to learn as we mature and have partnered sex and more experiences.  Over time we usually find "what works" for us and what our bodies can do.

    But to really push your body awareness to a higher level, you should keep exploring your body and how it works as a lifetime exercise.  The more time you spend learning your body's capabilities, the more you increase those capabilities and add to them.  

    You can learn about your body's sexual capabilities even when not engaged in sexual activities.  Kegels are a perfect example of this.  If you diligently do kegels (anyone of any gender) you will learn things about the muscles that are part of your sex organ system, and you can increase your sexual functioning and capabilities.
    There are other exercises and things you can do with your body to learn about it and improve your sex life.
    Here are some questions you can ask yourself about your own capabilities, just as examples.  Obviously this list could be very long, so I will just pluck a few fun ones:

    *Do I like rough, pounding sex?  If so, how long can I keep at it?

    *Am I good at giving oral sex?  Do I like it?  Can I improve at it?

    *Are my hands good at touching myself and my partner?  Can I improve the sensory feedback I have between my hands and my body or my partner's body?
    *Is my body very responsive to another's touch?  Do I enjoy being touched all over, or only some parts of my body?  Is my skin overly sensitive to touch, pressure or temperature, or not sensitive enough?  
    *Does my body feel good having sex in several different positions with a partner?  Which positions work best for my body?  Does this answer change at different times of the month or in cycles?

    Knowing Your Body's Limits

    Some common things that limit most people's body during sex are drugs and alcohol (making it difficult to achieve orgasm), exhaustion and fatigue, illness, excessive heat, and dehydration.  If you know exactly how each of these affect your body, then you can anticipate them and know when your body's sexual functioning can be optimized and when it cannot.

    Individual people also have their own individual body limits.  Knowing how much energy you can expend during sex before you run out of steam is very helpful information, and it will vary a lot between individuals.  

    If you are into sports or fitness, you know how not to injure yourself during this workout or game so that you won't have to suffer in your next workout or game...your goal is to keep improving and surpassing your own limits without injury, while keeping a regular workout schedule.  

    It can be the same sexually speaking.  If I know that I can only do a certain sex act for X number of minutes before my Y starts to cramp up, then I can anticipate this and not overdo it...yet I can also deliberately push that limit just a bit, and over time I can do the same sex act for much longer before something cramps up. 

    Practice and sexercise help you expand your limits.  

    Knowing how flexible you are and understanding how your body moves into different positions is also very useful.  Whether you are flexible or not, you really need to know what your body can handle.  Let's say your partner wants to throw your ankles over your shoulders, do you know if you can actually bend that way or not?  Know your limits and find out first!

    Mind-Body Connection

    Sexually speaking, the mind-body connection is how we create our individual eroticism.  Your body and your mind are unique and the only way to "know" them is to use them and learn how they work together.  Your mind can shut down your body, and your body can shut down your mind, so you need them to connect and work together.  

    In your mind you may be very sexual and erotic, but your body may not want to join in.  Or your body may feel lustful and randy, but your mind may not join in.  

    When we get both the body and the mind going after the same goal, sex is usually the most pleasurable and memorable.

    A lot of the mind-body connection in sex has to do with being able to stay in "the now" and experience it.  Sometimes our mind wants to escape from an actual sexual experience (including solo) and go to some other experience.  When this happens it is a sign that your mind-body connection has been interrupted. 

    This is not always a bad thing, because there are times during sex that our mind will float away for a bit or when we might have some anxiety or feel vulnerable and we may need a mental break from the physical world momentarily.  But generally speaking, to stay present with both your mind and body during sex will create better sexual experiences and ultimately can increase your overall Body Awareness.


    Body Awareness is closely related to another topic I previously blogged about, Sexual Self-Awareness.  

    When you combine the two, you can have some really rockin' sex.  When you really know yourself, you know how you can have the best types of sex for YOUR tastes and capabilities and body...so do whatever you can to increase that awareness and get yer sexy on!  Your body and mind will thank you.