I Married a Sex God

Yipee!!

So Friday night rolled around, we got home from work and sat down and had a drink together.  We started talking about what the evening plans were, and the next thing I knew we were in the car headed to the Porn Store!

In my post about Sexual Preparedness I talked about the items we need to keep in stock like...lube, toys, and accessories.  So we planned to pick up some regular supplies.

And we always need clothes for the Sex Closet so we planned to check those out, too.

We also had some specific gadgets in mind, things we had discussed wanting to try out recently.  How fun!  Off on a sexy whim to buy new adult toys and whatever else we might need.

Young people might not realize this but...way back in the old days, porn stores were scary, unsafe places for women that literally only had porn mags, reels and VHS.

Men skulked in and out of them, apparently hoping not to be seen.  The stores had no obvious signage, a lot of times they were just an unmarked door on the side or back of an inconspicuous building.  Some had viewing booths.

Please note: I'm not implying men should have to skulk.  The world did a lot of shaming toward everyone about any kind of sex back then.  I'm really glad that these days most people don't give a crap about the porn or toys anyone else wants to buy.  No one has to skulk to the porn store ever again.  

Anyway eventually, in the 90's, more Porn Stores began to cater to women, too.  But at first the women they catered to were mostly strippers.

The stores did now have clothes and shoes, but um...not much stuff that fit real women who need to be able to walk without steadying themselves with a pole (which is the real reason strippers have poles).  Most of us are amateurs and can't pull that stuff off.

Also, the stores were still a bit sketchy, and it always felt a little dangerous to be there.  They still tended to be in odd, out of the way places (kind of like mattress stores) and although there were signs, sometimes it was a little dubious exactly what the store carried.  I would never have gone to one alone back then.  I always either went with a pack of friends or a guy.  I actually used to feel brave walking into one, even in a group.  There were still some shady looking things going on around outside of these stores back then.

Public outcry has finally caused a ban on the use of this product for making sex toys.

The toy selection in the old days wasn't great, either.  A lot of the stuff was made of questionable materials, and a battery operated anything was always junk.  The porn selection was very limited and non-creative.

But still...at least by then there were some porn stores I could actually go to and get novelty stuff, toys, sex clothes, etc.

It is funny when I think about it, how valuable that sex gear was to me back then.  You had to go on this semi-risky adventure to this semi-seedy establishment to get it.

You felt all Indiana Jones about it later when putting it on like "oh yeah, if you only knew what I had to go through to get this very special, sacred garment...I had to get past some real shady people to get in and out of there in one piece...I'm a total sex ninja!"  Ha!

But Not Anymore...

In these days of sexual enlightenment and understanding and technological advancements, we now have nicely lit, non-scary, fully stocked for any personal desire by any person, Porn Stores to die for.

Of course there is still the wonderful option of getting things online, too (my favorite is Little Shop of O's).
But to be able to go into a really cool store where I feel safe and happy and personally look at, try on, and buy things is just such an awesome improvement the world has made!

The store we went to last night has so many things that used to be difficult to find, or just plain didn't exist.

Things like:

Coming to a suburbia near you!

*Creative porn that is not the same old mainstream stuff.

*Toys that are made of safe materials...and the new selections of amazing technologically advanced vibrating toys is amazing!

*Interesting options, like glass phallic toys, and things that you aren't even sure what they are so you have to ask the staff to explain them to you.

*Real BDSM stuff like leather whips, paddles, chokers, leashes and so forth.  This stuff used to be too specialized and they didn't carry it in your neighborhood Porn Store.

*Clothes and lingerie that are sexy and actually fit me and other regular sized women.

*Fun underwear options for HIM!  Having options like this for men didn't happen ten years ago.

*Great accessories like wigs, belly chains, body jewelry, boas, etc.

*Mary Jane accessories..

*So many lubes, oils, and other slip and slide fun!

******************************************************************************
I'm glad for the younger generations that they have access to all this cool, fun stuff without having to duck down a dark alley to get it.  I'm glad most manufacturers don't use toxic materials for sex toys anymore.  I'm ecstatic that I can get my hands on items I used to have to fight evil forces (in my exaggerated fantasies) to get.

Excuse me, where is The Matrix section?

But there is room for improvement.  Here are some things that I want to see in Porn Stores:

*MORE men's wear, sexy clothes, undies, and funky costume options.  I mean, I'm so happy that there were several racks of fun, different man panties at the place we went to last night...but that's really all there was.  Why are there not more sex costumes and accessories for men?  I get it that some people don't want to play this way, and some women even think it is a turn off when men dress up for sex...but not all of us feel that way.  Put the options out there and I bet they will sell.

Excuse me, do these come with health insurance?

*I still need sex shoes for me that are reasonable.  Usually all they have at most stores are ridiculous stripper shoes that are literally dangerous to hobble around in.  I do have several pairs of them, because they are the only option I am ever presented with.  But why hasn't anyone made a line of non-stripper shoes that are safe but sexy as hell?

Lets get some creativity put into some design for this, someone out there, some shoemaker somewhere.  My feet are begging you.  When you make sex a 3 hour event, you have to be real about what you are wearing on your feet.  Again, I don't have a pole to steady myself on.

Excuse me, do these come in non-toxic pleather?

*Cheaper, leather substitute materials used to make things that look higher quality.  Like chokers and cuffs and stuff like that.  I love the stuff, but when it is $80 and up for a nice leather choker, I'm like "I'd buy it for half that price even if not in leather".  I want more good-looking vinyl options, so I can buy more quantity.

I am willing to buy some expensive leather pieces, but they would get too much wear (and end up getting lube and other sex dirt on them) if I don't add in cheaper pieces to my collection.

Excuse me, does this come in animal print?

*Blow up sex furniture.  Right?  Because the expensive modular wedge stuff is hard to store, you can't wash it, and it is BIG.  Blow up sex furniture should be cheap, easy to store and totally soap friendly!  I have seen very little stuff online, and never anything in a store.  Why not?

There are so many shapes and sizes of sex furniture that aid with various sex positions, sturdy blow up versions should be the most economical and hygienic.  You could even add or let out air to create more or less height.

I am clearly a mad sex furniture genius.  Please someone do this and then let me know where I can buy a piece of my idea.

*****************************************************
On our way to the Porn Store, we were all amped up and having a fun time, and we were being goofy and singing a song about it.  In the style of Donna Summer's Hot Stuff...

Lookin' for some PORN STORE baby this evenin'

I need some PORN STORE baby tonight

I want some PORN STORE baby this evenin'

Goin' to the PORN STORE

Gotta have some lovin' tonight!

****************************************

I think the singing was my favorite part.  I like to add some kind of fun to all of my porn buying excursions.  I don't have to wrangle outlaws and international spies anymore, but it is still always an adventure to head on down to the Porn Store.

I have a love and fascination for the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch.  It has so many qualities of my favorite types of movies, but all in one awesome ride!

*Rock musical, check

*Large amounts of gender bending, check

*Edgy sex stuff, check

*Existential probing, check

*Made me think about the world in a different way, double check


I don't believe that we need to follow any particular gender roles.  Gender is fluid, that is why it is so fun.  This movie slaps my face with some new gender ideas.  (Thank you sir, may I have another?)

Gender can be neutral, as well as male, female, and a lot of other ways.  It can also be static and in a state of flux.  It can be part of your sexual orientation or separate from it.  You can slip off your usual gender identification and slip into a totally different one in an instant.  Many people don't choose to play slip n' slide with their gender, and that's ok, too.  But hearing new ideas about gender fluidity is good for all of us.

This movie has a lot of really great songs, but the one with the greatest impact on me was The Origin of Love.

Here's a link to a youtube clip from the movie version of the song, The Origin of Love

(I'm sorry about the ad, but whatchagonnnado?  Trust me, it is worth the wait...I listened to it three times while writing this article, and I own the album!)

The lyrics tell a mythical story about the origin of romantic love, which actually came to be because we had been tragically mutilated and our genders were literally annihilated by the Gods.  Good old fashioned bloody mythical love stories!

Here is part of the lyrics, slightly modified by me...




There were three sexes then, one that looked like two men sewed up back to back, called the children of the sun.

(any further)