Saturday, October 26, 2013

Get Bent

I’m not straight, and I’m not gay.  I am bi (though also monogamous with my husband).  It isn’t really saying much because apparently all people are at least a teensy bit bi.  Most straight people report that they have at least a whimsical gay thought once in awhile, and most gay people have equivalent straight thoughts.  So no one is perfectly straight.  We’re all a little bent.

I have always understood that I am definitely NOT straight.  I have felt sexual attraction toward women as long as I can remember.  To me it seemed totally logical that women were so sexy that you can’t even control your own body and responses around them.  So when a sexy woman was portrayed in film or TV and the men’s eyes were popping out, I was right there with them.  

I never understood why all women weren’t into women, to me their sexiness was so evident it was impossible not to be affected by it.  My sexual attraction for women was so strong and so clear that I never once thought I was straight, ever in my life, even long before I knew the words gay, straight, or bi.

But I felt the same about men.  My sexual attraction toward men was so obvious.  I was boy crazy from a very young age.  But I was girl crazy, too!  When the hero hugged and kissed the girl in every romantic movie, I wished to be both of them.  I wanted to be her and be swept up by this man.  And I wanted to be him and take this woman into my arms and kiss her.

Everyone is so hot.  Aren’t they?  How can all the rest of you not be hot for both men and women?  Honestly, that is what I was thinking the whole time I grew up.  I could not figure out how people weren’t feeling the strong sexual attraction that I was feeling for both genders.  Wasn’t it just normal?  I mean, look around people…everyone is so sexy!

When I finally accepted that people really could be straight and feel no significant same sex attraction, I just felt kinda sad for them.  Like they are missing out on how much sexy there is in the world.  Then I learned about the Kinsey scale and how most of us are a little bent, and that made me feel much better.

So anyway…growing up bi was not like growing up gay, nor like growing up straight.  It was an interesting life.  And on top of growing up bi, I grew up dancing.

Ahhhh….dancing...the other love of my life.  I have made one blog post about dancing already: 26. Lead and Follow in Dancing (and Sex)

In this post I’m going to talk about a different aspect of dancing…the part that relates strongly to my bi-sexuality....or sort of relates...or more accurately, it relates to how I am bent.

I grew up dancing in lots of glitter and costumes and sequins.  I was on competitive dance teams with other young girls and we were full of razzle dazzle.  I loved loved LOVED the costumes.  I loved the teeny bit of makeup we got to wear.  The shoes.  The sequins.  Seeing the other teams and their costumes and how beautiful the girls all were…but there were boys too, on other teams.  None on my team, but when we would travel to compete…mmm….boys were there.

Boys and men in competitive dancing are sometimes gay.  But sometimes they are not.  Mostly they are bent, I think.  I didn’t care about any of this or think in these terms at all back then, I just thought that these boy dancers in costumes and sequins and tap shoes were HOT.  They had nice tight butts like ice skaters and had mad dance skills I could appreciate.

And the girls were so hot, too.  The whole scene was a big sexy dance fest of hotties, in my experience of it.  And I was decked out in my own sequins, make up and glitter…it all felt like a sexy dream to me.

Growing up bi and razzle dazzle dancing had an interesting outcome in my sexual life.  It made me eventually be strongly drawn toward different types of glamour.  In particular, drag queens.
There is something so deeply beautiful and sexy to me about the full on gender bending glamour of a drag queen.  She is wickedly made up, she is a show piece of herself, she is like a shock to my senses that I love and want more of.  Her gender and sexual orientation are so lovely and twisted up.  The personal eroticism involved in a drag queen’s look and persona is something that makes me feel…well, horny.

I occasionally feel sexual attraction toward drag queens but mostly it is just that I am drawn to them.  I want to be like them because I identify with this strange made up stage beast in sequins.  Feminine and masculine qualities are mashed up together.  Pronoun use is up to the queen’s preference.  Most prefer she.  

Or as RuPaul says:  “You can call me he.  You can call me she.  As long as you call me.”

 I freaking love RuPaul. I love him as him and I love him as her.  He makes me happy, just knowing that he exists.  I have watched all the seasons of Drag Race…I can’t get enough.

It isn't restricted to just drag queens, though.  My love for sexy glam runs all directions.  Being a teen of the 80’s, I was so hot for straight boys in make up.  Remember this?  Or if you are too young to remember, you have seen the pictures, right?  Every 80’s band had straight boys wearing makeup.  I soooo loved it.  I felt like “Finally!  Boys are getting it!  They get how fun it is to be glamorous and now we can all put make up and costumes on each other, yay!”  The fad didn't really last very long though, dang it.  But I was really impressed that these straight dudes were getting into it for awhile.  It was just a fashion thing but, oh boy did it make me hot.

Take Adam Ant.  I loved him.  He was my first concert.  Sigh…a man boy in weird tribal makeup, illogical costuming, tiny bows in his hair and painted fingernails.  Can’t gender bend much more than this without being a drag queen.  

Other favorite gender bending hotties:

The entire cast of Rocky Horror Picture Show

David Yummy Bowie

The New York Dolls

Grace Jones

The entire cast of Hedwig and the Angry Inch (we’ve even got drag KING action in this one!)

Shields & Yarnell (70’s dance couple…more androgyny than bent but still really bendy)

KISS (why did people not call this drag?)

Before you ask…no my Sex God husband isn’t a closet drag queen or cross dresser.  He is definitely bent, but not gender bent.  He is a freak and has his own personal sexual style that compliments me and my style, but we are very different in a lot of ways.

He loves and respects my eroticism, including my love for glamour mixed with dance, stage, show, costumes, make up, and bent sexuality.  I love that he gets me like that.  He finds my sexual attractions odd but he loves that I am odd, rather than predictable.  I love that he is not intimidated by my affinity for drag queens and glamour, it doesn’t have anything to do with him or his sexuality.  They are basically like my “celebrity crush”…and there isn’t even a particular person who I crush on…I just get horny about the fact that some men wear make up.

I get mixed results when I discuss my love of sexy glam with others.  Some men and women, both straight and gay, lighten up when I talk about it and the look on their face tells me they are "like me" that way...they like the bizarre sexual buzz surrounding this topic.  They like the look and they get the freaky part.  Or they just "get it" on some artistic level and enjoy it a lot.

Others think it is not sexy at all, not intriguing, not fun and just plain gross.  Some straight women have said to me that anything that makes a man look gay in the least is a turn off for them.  Some have said they can enjoy a little guy-liner but anything more than that is gross.

Gay people don't necessarily find sexy glam a turn on, either.  I get varying answers from gay men and women on whether they get hot for it...some do, many don't.  Many gay men (who aren't into glam or drag) actually mock cross dressers and drag queens, like it is insulting to try to "look like a woman" since you are supposed to be a man into men.

Also, I have one trans woman friend (hi sweetie!) (and yes I have only one trans friend...I wish I had more!  I feel lame only having one...) who does not think glam and drag are sexy, and she feels they are mocking women and femininity.  (I have gone around and around with her about this...with me saying "girl, you sayin' you don't think RuPaul is hot???" and her saying "oh lord no, how ghastly").

And then drag queens themselves report that it usually isn't a sexual thing for them. For some it is but most are doing it for reasons other sexuality.  They are either performing and acting artistically or they are adopting a persona for various other reasons, or it is just a form of self-expression.  I read an interview with RuPaul in the 9/26/13 issue of Rolling Stone.  They quoted him as saying "I've had sex, I've enjoyed sex, it's not that important to me".  Somehow it doesn't surprise me that he just isn't that sexual.  He makes others respond to him in a sexual way, but that is just a byproduct of him authentically expressing himself.  Some of us are sexy but not that sexual, they are not always intertwined.

As Ru says, "You're born naked, and the rest is drag."

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Body Worship

Recently I’ve made a few posts that discuss the open access policy we have in our marriage (where he has access to take many liberties with my body) in this post: Groping, Harassment, and more... and what a lusty, hands-on Boob man my husband is in this post: Boobs .

But to paint a fuller picture, there is another fun aspect to our sex life that I wanted to blog about today....

Body Worship is different than all the fun grabby stuff we do.  Body worship is more about looking at each other's bodies and touching tenderly and lovingly…while admiring the sheer beauty of each other.  We do this a lot, like daily at least once.  And even when we aren’t together I find myself worshiping his body in my mind…basically fantasizing about looking at and touching or kissing every part of his body.

Properly worshiping each other’s bodies is a huge part of our sex life.  I hate to admit it, but my husband actually had to teach me how to do this right.

I had to start with learning how to allow my body being worshiped correctly.  I wasn’t able to truly be vulnerable and powerful at the same time when he wanted to worship my body in the beginning of our relationship.  For instance, it might make me giggle uncontrollably to strip for him back then.  Or worse than that, it sometimes made me act arrogant to be worshiped.

Sexual arrogance is what happens when you are suddenly full of yourself but not actually using your real Sexual Power.  Instead, you momentarily believe you have something someone else wants and you use it against them.  This is a misunderstanding of a Sexual Power exchange, where you believe that you are “hotter” than your partner and that you have something you could jerk them around with.

There are some men who can be very affected by a hot woman’s body, and for some women who experience this, it seems like they want us to sort of have a stripper’s attitude of “hey you would pay for this and you know it”.  When I first met my husband, I was under the mis-impression that a stripper-type attitude was hot. 

He immediately taught me that this is simply arrogance, and that it isn’t hot.  He can worship me physically but will only do so willingly.  I do not have power over him just because I have the feminine body type he loves.  He does not and will not view me as a stripper, in other words. 

He worships my body because it is his body’s lover and because our bodies are in love with each other.  There is no top or bottom in that area of worship.  It comes from our bodies to each other as equals.  Our bodies know what each other’s bodies are capable of sexually, and that is an equal endeavor we are both a part of.

There’s no "hotter than" or any scale of power between our bodies.  They don’t roll that way.  They just worship each other cleanly and with no agenda other than to express their real desire.

It took some time for my husband to get me to understand that when he wants to worship my body, I don’t have to do anything but accept it and let him truly worship me.  I had some issues that I had to work through before I could be completely comfortable about being worshiped.

But once I learned to do it right, I felt my own sexual potentials rise immediately.  Before that I had never been able to completely allow myself to be worshiped in an honest and loving way.  Sexual dysfunctions suck!  They can pop up out of nowhere and you don’t even know they are there until you do something that makes them arise out of thin air...like suddenly feeling inappropriately insecure and shutting yourself down during a sexual moment that should be great.

Thankfully...I kicked the shit out of my dysfunctions!  Hurrah!  And then I was able to learn to accept and receive worship happily ...and I do accept it all the time now, without letting it make me arrogant.  It feels wonderful to let my body and his body have this exchange with each other, without my interference.

What I learned next was that I was also deficient in properly worshiping my man’s body.  I was unskilled and unexperienced at it.  Frankly, I’m not sure I’ve ever even thought about worshiping a man’s body before I met my husband.

I thought back then that men (and bi or gay chicks) worshiped a woman’s body, I wasn’t aware that women worshiped men’s bodies.  I knew gay men worshiped men’s bodies, of course.

But me?

I had never realized my body itself had the natural impulse to worship a man’s body.  (I wrote about this more in a later post, How to Worship a Man's Body)

I found out pretty quickly from my husband that horny, sexually self-aware women definitely DO worship men’s bodies.  They worship every part of those bodies.  They do this lovingly and happily and sexually.  They touch, nibble, gaze at and truly worship every inch of them.  They want their man to strip for them and they want to explore his body with their eyes wide open and all the lights on.  They want to place his body before themselves and just drink him in visually.  They want him to pose and flex his muscles and do other things with his body. 

I suddenly saw examples all around me of just how sexually aggressive highly sexual women are and can be.  They do not just let themselves be worshiped, they also take the initiative to worship their partner.

Very quickly I got on board with this, because once I tried it I honestly felt my own body take over and truly worship his body.  I found it very easy to ask him to stand in front of me naked and let me just lightly touch and kiss down his whole back to his feet and everything in between…meanwhile my body is truly excited and drinking in this opportunity to just touch and kiss its lover.

I had (in the past) properly worshiped a woman's body myself, just not a man's.  If I was capable of true worship of a woman's body...why hadn't I been able to do this with a man's body?  I still can't quite answer that question.

I now feel sort embarrassed at the level of my previous sexual arrogance.  At one time in my life, I thought that men only worshiped women physically, it didn’t happen the other way around.  But since seeing the light on this issue, I feel like a sexual grown up now.

Instead of being arrogant, now I feel fierce when he’s worshiping me and I’m openly taking in all of his body’s love for me…but I also feel fierce as hell when I’m having him stand before me and I completely worship his body!  It has raised my awareness of my own Sexual Power to learn how to properly worship my man.

I have a follow up post on the topic of Sexual Power in the works right now, I will come back and link it here when it is ready.  When you and your partner can properly worship each other's bodies, you will be in a perfect Power balance, and that is an amazing sexual accomplishment.

If your body wants to play with, grab, kiss and worship its lover, let it!

Grabby Play Fun + Proper Mutual Worship = Happy, Sexually Fulfilled Bodies!  Nom nom nom.