Saturday, June 21, 2014

The Debate on Marriage

Marriage is on its way out.

Unless you are gay, and then marriage is on its way in, FINALLY.

I am married and I love being married.  I'm also strictly monogamous and I love that, too.  But I honestly don't think everyone should get married or want to be married, and not everyone should be monogamous.

I wanted to share my thoughts on marriage and monogamy in this dedicated post because from some angles, it would look like I'm ONLY pro-marriage and monogamy.  So I need to clear that up a bit because it is important to me that all sexual and romantic lifestyles are honored.

My own marriage is very troubled sometimes.  I don't have a perfect marriage (whatever that would look like).  No, I have a real marriage that is just as fragile as anyone else's.  Half of everyone married will be divorced, and my husband and I both have been previously married and divorced.  And hey guess what?  That means our chances of divorce are higher than first time married people's, our is something like a 67% divorce rate!

So the odds are against me and our marriage is very troubled sometimes and yet I'm not really afraid of divorce.  I feel I have the tools necessary to stay in love and stay married as long as we both choose it.  That's really the point.  We know we have a choice.

Even though our marriage is troubled sometimes, other times it is the type of marriage that my inner Princess child always dreamed of.

The sex, the romance, the love and commitment, the growth, the incredible intimacy we can achieve...in our best moments, my marriage is the SHIZZLE.

It is exactly all I always wanted and more than I ever thought was possible.

So that's us, as we are at this time.  Madly happy in a sometimes troubled marriage.  But I can see many other parallel lives for us that could be a lot different and still be just as wonderful and committed and intimate.  We could have chosen to be married but to live apart and still be monogamous and committed to each other, and that still sounds like a wonderful option sometimes.  We could have chosen to never be married, live apart, and just have a lovely companionship, dating and sexual relationship.

Before we met, my husband and I both had non-monogamous relationships.  We were both exposed to and participated in several different types of relationships that don't follow strict boy-girl marriage code.  I am glad that I have known many open minded and loving people that created their own rules for partnering with others.  I learned acceptance and understanding by knowing others and by my own relationship choices.

Marriage and monogamy are not the one and only way to achieve love, commitment and family.  At some points in our lives, we don't want love, commitment or family at all, we just want sex or just companionship or just friends.  All of these are variations of the ways we love and have sex with each other, and all are valid and healthy choices for us complex humans.

Of course, it has been an important cause for a long time that same sex marriage become legal.

In the US, as of right now it looks like all the states are falling over like dominoes and legalizing it one after the other.  For me this is a wonderful and welcomed time in history and it makes my heart so happy.  Any positive movement for any human rights is always good in my book.  Thank you world for coming along on this one.

There is a similar movement now for acceptance of all types of relationships and for acceptance of people who don't want marriage at all.  People feel pressure to be married and that isn't fair to them.  Here's a good recent article about this subject from Psychology Today:

The End of Marriage

I agree that we should stop asking single people when they are getting married, and we should stop assuming that all couples are monogamous, and we should stop putting any societal expectation upon each other.  Just accept each other's choices and accept your own ability to choose.

One thing I would like to ask the sex positive community to do is to honor monogamy as a healthy choice, too.  I sometimes come upon people who assume that if you are married and monogamous, you are not enlightened about the other choices you could be making.

Or like the one time I got twitter blasted by someone who was telling me that because I am for monogamy, I must also be Christian and that therefore I was the cause of many deaths in the name of my precious monogamy.  That really sucked.  Ok yes it was just a kooky twitter blaster...but it was also a person who feels they are sex positive and who is poly.

The tendency to group married monogamous people with conservative Christians isn't really fair.  Some of us married monogamous folks are old school poly freaks, just making different choices at different times in our lives!

Please never assume that a married or monogamous person is against non-monogamy.  If you want to know someone's position, make no assumptions first and simply ask their position.

I love having choices.  It makes us free to pursue our real desires, dreams and dramas.  I love that our future generations will not be forced into tiny boxes anymore because society is proving it can handle much more diversity than it did in the past.  And I love choosing the type of lifestyle that is best for my own fulfillment, and I love that you have that choice, too.

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