Saturday, September 7, 2013

Sexual Self-Awareness, part 1

I have not had much luck finding reading material about the topic of sexual self-awareness.  I learned the concept from my husband and from hearing or reading other extremely sexual people talk about it in their own lives.  But there doesn't seem to be much written about the concept, so I decided to give it some space on my blog.

It seems like the term should have an obvious meaning, like "to be aware of your sexual self".  And yes, it is kind of that simple, but many of us are not so simple to get to know.  Even by ourselves.

One of the first times I asked my husband what makes him such a great lover, he replied “I’m just self-aware.  I know what I like.”  When I heard this, I thought to myself “but doesn’t everyone know what they like?”

It turns out, not always.  

People don’t always have full awareness of their own sexual self, their own abilities and true desires, their own potentials.  Not that this is a bad thing necessarily…not everyone wants to explore their sexual selves, some people just aren’t that sexual and have no reason to go there.  Or like myself, I did want to know myself sexually but I held myself back for a variety of reasons for much of my life.

Some of my own sexy ideas actually scared me!  When I had them all just locked up in my own head, I couldn’t actually test any of them out.  I had to bring these inner desires out into a relationship and express them with a partner to find out how I actually felt about them.

Some of the things in my head I was afraid to actually try to enact.  But I didn't even know why I was scared or what I was afraid of, until I started looking within.

Why do I want to have rough sex?

What does it mean about me?

Am I damaged goods?

Where would the desire to be shaken by the shoulders and shoved up against a wall have come from?  Does this mean I am a violent person?  WTF?

But alongside feelings of wanting to be roughed up, I also feel very powerful...sexually powerful.  I have always been very sexual and I feel a strong sexual power within myself.  Before I gained some sexual self-awareness, I couldn't direct and use my own power very reliably.  I was also kinda afraid of that power.  Where did THAT come from?  What does it mean about me?  By whose agency do I have this sexual power, since I know so little about it, it can't really be mine, can it?

To know myself, I had to handle and play with my own power and get a feel for it.  I hadn't done that yet at the time I met my husband.
However, he was already sexually self-aware.  He knew what he liked and didn’t like because he had experienced enough sexual circumstances to know himself.

When you are self-aware, you can deliberately choose to engage in the sexual experiences you enjoy the most.  Not that you will not still explore new territory, but it is like having a map of yourself to help you on your sexual journeys.  You can still surprise yourself, even when you are self-aware and have a good map!

We always keep expanding.  There are always new areas of the self to explore.  But having a map helps everyone.


Being Sexually Self-aware implies that you:

Are not suppressing your own sexual desires.

Have experienced your authentic sexual self, your Sexual Beast (or Butterfly).

You understand your own body and how to work it.

You are sexually well balanced and self-validated.

You are confident in what you want because you know you are able to achieve it.


It actually took me quite a lot of time to become sexually self-aware after I met my husband.  Our new sex life was incredible and intense.  It was at times completely overwhelming.  It stirred up emotions in me that I had to deal with before I could even address some repression issues.  My sex life with him created an emotional laboratory in my head.

But this turned out to be just what I needed because I was able to examine myself and find out why I wasn’t very self-aware.  Why and where was I holding myself back from being more free and more myself?

For some people, sexual self-awareness is easy and natural and they have always had it.  For me, I had some self-learning to do first.  So I read a lot of books.  I kept trying to find myself, or the keys to undoing myself, or whatever.  How do you search externally for an answer about yourself?  I read some good stuff about being authentic during sex.  That was a curious thought…being authentic.

I began examining myself closer during sexual moments.  I began asking myself questions like:

How do I authentically feel about this or that act while we are doing it?  Is it pleasurable?  Uncomfortable?  Wonderful?  Would my expression right now reflect my feelings accurately to my lover?

If I am physically uncomfortable but I’m outwardly expressing enjoyment, am I being in-authentic?

What sensations are my body authentically feeling at this moment?  What does my body authentically want to do right now in response to this sexual stimulus?

When I close my eyes and throw my head back, am I doing this out of an authentic feeling of being swept away by sexual feelings and emotions…or am I doing it because I think it will look sexy to my partner?

(I hope I look hot!)

By examining myself sexually, I found out how to allow myself to be truly swept away in a sexual moment.  The kind where my eyes roll back in my head and I go limp.  I just let go of any "control" of these actions and I let the sexual energy take me over.  I know now how to be my real self, following my real desires and responses.

Examining my authentic responses and desires led me to sexual self-awareness.  And that led me to some rockin' good sex.  Yeah, baby!

This topic is continued in my next post, 24. Sexual Self-Awareness, part 2

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