I Married a Sex God

So…my husband is extremely lusty.  This manifests itself in the constant harassment I receive.  It may not sound fun to you to be constantly harassed…but somehow…he does it in a way that keeps me hanging on a string, wanting more of it.

Part of this is just because I am a whore for his attention.  When he teases me, flirts with me, acts like I am a piece of delicious meat…I love it.  I melt for it.  I love having his full attention.  Nothing spells attention like getting relentlessly teased by a sexy man who is hot to get in your pants.

This is sexual teasing, I’m talking about.  Very specifically designed to make me squirm and be shocked, but it also makes me want him to keep it coming.  Being very sexual myself, I LOVE the sexual teasing.  It just makes me simmer all the time.

Lots of women are not into this.  I have had many talks with women who would not enjoy the type of teasing I’m about to describe.  So I don’t want to give the impression that these moves are ok for every couple.  Don’t try this at home without a permission slip!

My husband knows he has my consent to be constantly harassed.  In fact, I love the creativity he puts into it.  He is absolutely brilliant at it!  I have a taste for sick humor, so he can go pretty far with me. 

First example…The Big Butt Thing  

                                                                             

He has thing where he acts like I have a really big butt.  But you see, he loves my butt.  It isn’t really that big…but it is round and bouncy.  And he loves the bouncy, oh my does he love the bouncy.  He makes it clear that he truly loves my back side all the time, every day. 

But of course, this is also a source of harassment, because he just can’t seem to stop himself. Anything is fair game.  The things he loves most about me are likely to be the things he harasses me about.  He knows it is “wrong” to tell a girl she has a big butt, so he does it purposely, just to get my reactions and provoke me.  Am I sick in the head because I love this?  (If I am, I don’t care…..yumm!) 

So the harassment begins with stuff like this:

*I turn my back to him and he acts like he sees something shocking.  He says, “Baby – how much bigger is your butt going to get this month?  I wanna be friends with that thing but I’m not sure I can get my arms around it now.”

*He sees me pulling up a pair of pants, getting dressed.  He says, “Be careful with those pants.  They aren’t double stitched or anything, your butt might bust right through there.”

*Song by (awesome 80's chick) Belinda Carlisle “Heaven is a Place on Earth” comes on the radio…he makes up his own lyrics on the spot:

"Ooooohhh baby, do you know what that’s worth?

Ooooohhh your ass is as big as the whole earth!

When I close my eyes…I can still see it gyrating, like I’m hypnotized…"

I should note that these comments usually come with him grabbing and groping my butt at the same time he is saying them, and I am giggly and pretending to try to get away.

I am pretty confident about my butt so all of his comments are truly so absurd that they are funny and crude…but not in the least bit mean.  It is all about him getting his hands into my pants by making me laugh.  I like his crudeness.  He’s so freaking lusty and sexually playful, and I love when he exhibits that side of himself.

C'mon give it up baby, you know you want some Roo.

Another example…The Animal Kingdom Thing

He always has to imply that I am so hot and sexy that not only men but also other animals can’t resist coming around to sniff me out.  This opens the entire Animal Kingdom to be included in his harassment games.  Stuff like….

*I tell him “Honey, it was so cool!  On my way in from the car a little squirrel stopped in a tree above my head and chattered at me for a minute, he seemed mad at me like maybe I startled him!”  He replies in 70’s porn star voice “Yeah it’s cause he heard about your world class ass and had to come check it out for himself…”

*He is standing behind me hugging me as we look forward at our yard.  A bird happens to land in front of us.  He says “See I’m telling you, word is getting around about the hot wife who lives on our street.  Look at him, he wants you so bad!”  Then he will pretend to pull my shirt up to force me to flash the bird and says “Hah!  She’s mine, look at these…you can’t have none!”  Meanwhile, I am laughing and trying to hold my shirt down.

Again…some women are going to find this very juvenile behavior.  Maybe I’m just juvenile myself. 

Another example…The Cookie Jar Thing

Gimme the cookie...NOW!

This is a more direct physical sexual harassment of my body than a verbal one.  It has to do with him “owning me” and having full access to my body.  This is part of a consensual agreement we have, which I talked about on this blog post:

20. Good Bad Times

But basically the deal is, I allow him free access to my body.  That means, if he wants up my shirt or down my pants (on top of panties), he just goes for it and I don’t resist (under panties is not part of the free access deal).  We made this agreement years ago and I LOVE IT.

He treats my body like his sexual play thing and deliberately keeps it sexually stirred up all the time.  He doesn’t go for actual sexual contact.  He just gropes me and grabs big handfuls of my flesh (breasts, butt, thighs, back. etc).  His gentle touch is awesome too, but his grope is just purrrrfect…I feel so lucky as a woman because the lusty grope is a hard move to master.

Anyway, the “Cookie Jar” is basically my clothes, and my goodies (breasts and butt mostly) are the cookies.  Anything I put on my body, he sees as an obstacle to his hands roaming my body.  So he harasses me by pulling at anything I am wearing, shoving his hands up it or down it, pretending to be “halted” by my horrible clothes that are in the way between him and his cookies, and making comments.

Sweaters, as a rule, are unacceptable.  If I put on a turtleneck sweater, he will say “Do you hate me or something?”  Sweaters create too much hassle for him to get to my goodies.

Skirts and dresses…he loves these because he can just whip them up and get right to me.  Which he does, everytime I wear one.  And I know this is coming and stand there waiting to be groped.  It is a sort of ritual that if he sees me in a skirt, his first reaction is to rush straight towards me and get his hands under it.  He hates the Cookie Jar and seeing it immediately makes him rebel against it and dive for the cookies.

(I would have shown him how to take the tights off but he clubbed me before I could... but I love getting my hair pulled so...win win!)

Tights…he likes tights, how they feel, how they look, and we use them in sex a lot…but when he throws up my skirt and finds me wearing them, this is entirely different.  If he finds them when he is in the midst of getting his cookies, he pretends to get angered and confused by them like a cave man.  He makes a guttural noise and starts pulling at them clumsily but roughly like he’s going to rip through them to get to me.  Sigh…so cute!

And one more thing that is hard to categorize among these harassment categories, but I decided to put it in this one...nearly every morning after I have gotten dressed for work and am getting ready in the bathroom mirror, he comes up behind me and whips up my shirt and exposes my breasts, then he molests them.  All the while, I am forced to watch myself be molested in the mirror before me.  My face and my reactions are exposed while he just goes for it, full lust on display.  It is hard to describe why this is so hot...but it is.  (I later wrote a post dedicated to this special harassment: Boobs)


The last example:  The "Pet" Names

So finally we come to the "pet" names...but these are not your usual "pet" names...these are mixed with degradation.  This is possibly my favorite part of the whole big menu of harassment.

He has a new nick name for me every week.  Some of his more memorable ones have been:

Slutina

Fun Bags

Suzy Super Soaker

Sticky (and then he starts singing "Oh Sticky, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind!  Hey Sticky!)

Boobs McGee

Whore Knee

(I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea....)

He can also come up with hilarious new words on the spot.  Anything that has to do with any sexual organ can suddenly turn into a way to harass me, even if it has nothing to do with me.  Like recently I was watching TV and a yeast infection ad came on, he came in the room, saw the ad and said "Shopping for Mono-Slather again?  You don't even have an infection you just want to touch yourself, admit it."

When he can make me bust out laughing like that, he usually jumps on me while I'm still helplessly clutching my ribs...and we always end up making out with much frenzy and enthusiasm.

I know that my husband has nothing but love and respect for me and my body, but at the same time, he is truly a lusty beast and I love that about him.